October 24, 2010

Sun beams race across a distant sky
I turn, its hurts me, blinking eyes
Flitting yellow butterflies yearn
For the time when they can learn
From all the troubles of humanity
The time shall come, we all will see
A desert bare with burdens dry
A tear is shed, we all must cry
The simple life we've yet to live
Abundant time there is to give
Yesterdy weaving away from all
Tomorrow looming, a silent wall


Lately I have had an uneasy type feeling. Sort of as if things are out of place, or as if maybe I am not accomplishing something I should. Last night, I lay awake in my bed at three in the morning thinking about it, and turning my troubles over and over and over again in my head.

I think of all the people in the world I encourage to succeed, the person I am the hardest on is, by far, myself. I am sitting in a place where I wonder why my Albanian aimed non profit is not growing in the ways I would like to see it grow. I wonder what I have done wrong, and why after trying again and again to generate interest, I seem to be at a stand still. I begin to wonder if I am doing the right thing. Should I renew the non profit this coming January, or just give it up for now.

All these things weigh on my head and I can't sleep, I can't function. I have even reorganized my priorities to no longer include as many social outputs, but more spiritual and personal time. None of this seemed to help.

Then I saw the real problem. It was me.

I am at a make or break point in my life and if I give now, today will only become yet another failing, breaking point. I MUST press on towards the goal, my prize being the One Who gave me breath. I must realize what is right in front of me now, and not what I feel like I am flailing after in my future.

Today I was privileged to bring a young girl to church who is a 20 year old mother of a 3, 2 and 1 year old. She has probably lived a tougher than normal life and needs to see the genuine love of Christ for her, regardless of her current circumstances. Luckily, I am a blessed person in that I attend a church that does just that: showing people Jesus without judgment. On the way home the girl asked me if she could come again some time. If that is not effective ministry, I don't know what is.

What I feel I am lacking in my overseas missions, God is certainly making up for by doing things here, and while I will not forget about those in Albania, I also will not forget about those suffering here at home, as I pursue my goals. Touching the lives of others, no matter where, is a true privilege and I hope I can continue to do just that, both here and abroad. All in due season.

I am thankful for what I have today, and although tomorrow may seem like a silent, looming wall, I will be thankful for where He is taking me in the future and I will walk the road to get there with pride in my Jesus.