February 9, 2012

I want to bring up a topic that is considered a "civil rights" movement of sorts in the USA, but that has Christians and Christianity questioning their stance and that has an entire nation divided to the point of fighting like children. It is a topic that I have wrestled over for many, many years as to how exactly I will choose to view it: right or wrong. This topic is homosexuality.

Let me clarify, I have not personally struggled with this. Give me a Josh Lucas or Matthew McConaughey any day, but I do have friends from work and school who are gay, but who are still my friends. This is why I have struggled to find solid ground to stand on regarding what I believe. However, since moving to Albania, I have had opportunity to go deeper in the things of God and grow spiritually as I never have before. I have found the true FREEDOM that Christ offers in every area of life, and this is why I can clearly say where I stand now. So this goes out as a letter to all my homosexual friends and to anyone who may end up reading it:

Dear Beloved Child of God,

I know life hasn't been easy for you. In fact, it has probably been incredibly hard. The truth is statistically speaking, you life has probably involved being abused in one way or another. If not, something in you has given into perversion for any number of reasons. Many people today struggle with life and how hard it can be. We work so hard to be good people who seem to have stability in our social world, and yet we find that at times life can be severely unjust.

It is true. The car accident that took your little brother didn't care if he was a good person or not. The man who walked into your high school/church/walmart/wherever didn't care if he was killing good people or not. The guy who raped your sister as a kid didn't care how good of a person she was. The person you call dad who beat you till you couldn't see straight didn't care if you had been good that day. Life can be unjust and often times this causes us to ask questions. Some of us will ask things like "Why serve a God Who can let bad things happen to good people." What we are really asking is "How can all my hard work be washed away with this one tragedy?". Some of us will come up with answers on our own, such as believing there is no God, and if there is, you are certainly not on His radar.

The truth is that this is not about God, it is about us. It always has been. I will serve a God that I think is convenient for me and my lifestyle. I will look to God when I am in trouble. I go to church sometimes. I am a good person. I don't believe in God, therefore He must not exist.

My friend, if this is the last thing I ever say to you, I hope that you hear it as more important than anything else. The problem is us. We crave a freedom that we cannot reach. We long to taste it, but in reality we question its existence. We reach to the Heavens above when we need help, but we do it in a mocking way when our lives show, every other day, our disbelief. The problem is sin. The problem is not that God "allows" bad things to happen to good people, but that mankind chooses day after day after day after day to sin against God and people. It just so happens that one or two of those times affected your life. It is a difficult thing to believe, but the fact of the matter is, you are not alone.

The truth is that many people have struggled through what you are struggling through right now. You may not want to believe that, or maybe you find it hard to comprehend, but it is true. Many people in the world today have lived tortured lives. They have been sinned against in the worst ways and by the people they trusted the most. So how do we move on from these things? Is there a way to really move past these devastating hurts in our lives? I believe there is. Let me tell you about it.

I am going to be very honest with you. I myself have struggled with many things. We all have our battles. Many people, like I said before, have been sinned against by another person in their lifetime. I struggled with sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation. It never ceases to amaze me that people will answer this with the question/statement, "But... you're a girl...". The truth is that these types of addictions find everyone at one point or another until they experience true freedom. So, how do you find this freedom?

The first step for me was to begin to see my life in a different way. I had to begin to realize that God loved me just the way I was and that instead of being angry with me, He wanted me to see how much better my life could be. I was challenged to live life differently for 40 days and I did just that. I put myself in God's hands, completely, for 40 days, and I was able to see things so differently. I saw that He loves me in ways I cannot begin to describe. I saw that my sexual desires were driving almost everything I did, which really surprised me because I thought I was in control. I saw that I COULD live differently, which I had not thought was possible AT ALL. I just figured everyone was doing it, so how could God judge us?

The amazing fact behind all of this is that it is possible to live in a new kind of freedom. Now, not only have I been freed from all the things that kept me tied down, but I am also free to see myself as a person of extreme value and worth in God's eyes. I no longer settle for any guy who is even the slightest bit interested in me. I no longer look at men with the intention of figuring out if they are date-able or not. I no longer look at marriage as something where I will have to settle for whoever offers. I no longer hate myself...

Now that's where it is all at... isn't it?

Don't we all do it? Everyone hates themselves, don't they? I mean, we put on a face for the world, co workers, whomever, but in the end it comes down to how the voice inside our head treats us from day to day. We mustn't allow the scars of our past to become the thorns of our future. Yes, we live in a world of people who constantly sin against one another, thereby hurting each other in deep ways. No, the person or people who sinned against you at any point in time were NOT right, and I am not condoning anything they did. They were wrong in hurting you. The fact is, however, that a little bit of you thinks that they were right.

This is the dark secret we have kept hidden away for so long. Ya, my Uncle So and So sexually abused me as a kid, and he said he chose me because I am weak. The fact is that a little part of you that you hide away from the rest of the world believes what that Uncle said. Even more so, a part of you has learned to believe that you deserved what happened to you.

The world screams at the top of their lungs that we should not treat you as a lesser being, but the very truth of the matter, the exact fact, is that you yourself BELIEVE that you are less of a person. You haven't ever told anyone that, but it echoes away in your head day after day after day after day. Your mind screams at you when you lay your head down on the pillow at night. You can't sleep because your mind won't let you, right? Look at it this way: You also don't LIVE because your mind won't let you.

We all build walls to safeguard ourselves from ever being hurt again. We turn these walls into habits and over time these habits just become "who we are" and we train our friends, family and coworkers to believe the lie, thereby setting up our life to continue on the very path it was on in that singular moment we were hurt. You build up the walls to keep new hurt out, but in reality the very walls you built to protect yourself are the very walls that keep the old hurt IN.

Its time you stood up and began to smash  the walls down. They won't come down easily or alone. There will be PLENTY of tears and you will need people around you who you can confide in and lean on. However, once you begin to break down these walls, you will begin to overpower and overcome the things that people have done to hurt you. You will overcome the hurt and you will come into the truth. God's truth. After all, Who knows you better than the One Who created you?

God does not want to see you suffer, but He designed this world in a way that it must operate on man's free will. What does that mean? It means that when you are busy asking Him why He let things happen in your life, He is busy yelling and screaming and gesturing for you to come to Him, to run to His arms for comfort, but His best efforts cannot be heard over your walls. All the while He keeps trying, and His heart truly breaks time and time again as He watches you deny Him and walk away holding your hurt in your own arms.

All He is here to offer you is freedom, but what more do you need? For real, ask yourself: What more do I need than freedom in every area of life? If I was truly free in all areas, would I really need anything else? If you come up with the answer I did, you will begin to seek His face.

I have to tell you that this comes from the deepest parts of my being. Many of the things I shared in this blog, I have never shared with anyone besides my accountability person and God. For those of you who have only known me as a "good person", do not be shocked at the terrible, awful things I have done. Instead be shocked at how BIG my God is that He can change me and renew my purity and my belief in purity. Stand in awe before the God Whom many of you call your God, and ask Him what He has for you. Dare to stand for purity.

Thanks for reading,

Julie