July 30, 2012

In Loving Memory

What to say about the past few months? I think they have been very challenging, but in an especially difficult kind of way. Sure, over the years, I have lost more people tragically than I care to recount here, but that does not change the hurt caused by and time needed to heal from yet another tragedy.

I have no idea why today, of all days, I have chosen to finally sit down and put my thoughts down in writing. I could and really should be doing other things, like sorting through pictures and video of the Vacation Bible School the church is running this week and making a presentation for parents to see at the end of the week. It could be that thoughts and emotions have been piling up for too long now, and a particular picture I saw on Facebook today was the last straw. I will vent, relive and hopefully bring a well rounded thought to this tragedy that has recently been experienced and what good, if any, we can take from it.

It was a normal Monday in May. My roommate and I had gone out for a coffee and some friend time because it was our day off. We went to our normal hang out, in the hopes of getting to chat with one of the waiters that we have been trying to get to come to church. As we are sitting, enjoying our coffee and discussing different things, Kerri gets a phone call from our pastor's wife saying that there was an accident with students going to Sarande (a city in the south of Albania known for its beautiful beaches). She explained that the bus had been from the university in Elbasan (the city we live in) and reminded us that some of our university aged girls were on a bus on their way to Sarande with the university.

We immediately asked the waiter to change the TV station to the news. What we saw will be forever etched in my mind. The news here in Albania does not tend to censor tragedies, so if they can get a picture of an accident, blood and all, it will be on TV. Here are some pictures from the news coverage:

At that point, all we knew was that there were about 10 deaths and many injured, but it would be a long time before we would get any solid, reliable information. We knew there were two girls from our church on that bus, Elidona and Dorina. We called Dorina's rommates to see if they had heard anything, and they were in tears, so we left the coffee shop and went to stay with them.

As the hours went by, we hugged the girls, comforted one another and waited with telephones in every hand with the hope of hearing SOMETHING. Finally, one of the girls got a call from someone who said there would be a list of the victims at the University. So, we all went together to see if we could find some news about our missing girls.

Once at the university, we quickly realized that the information we had obtained was false and there was no news or list at the University, but only photo hungry media. We waited there for a while, in the hopes that someone there would have news. Other students came by the masses and some even began lighting candles on the steps of the University:

If you look closely at this picture, you can find my bright bleach blonde head on the right side top, along with Kerri in her pink shirt.

After a while, we decided it would be better for the girls to wait at home, because there were too many people and too many pushy news media at the University. So, we began the walk home, but instead decided to go to our pastor's house to stay because we had met up with his wife at the University. It would be a better central ground for all of us to watch the news together. In this time, Kerri and I needed to go home and get cell phone chargers because our batteries were dead from trying to keep in contact with so many people and trying to find information. We left the girls with the pastor's wife (Rudina) and ran home quickly. While we were at home, I got a phone call from Rudina saying that they had heard news that Dorina was alive and in a hospital in Vlore (a city in the south). This was AMAZING news and I quickly told Kerri and a few others who had asked us to keep them informed. This was a huge weight off of us, but we were still concerned because we had not heard news for Elidona. We grabbed our chargers and went to Rudina's house to watch the news with her family and the girls.

By this time we had already been left to wonder for hours who might be among the dead and injured. We were thankful to have heard the news of Dorina, but we were still very worried for Elidona. As the hours continued to pass, our pastor, Ilir, began to make phone calls to people who might be there. He managed to get in contact with a young man who worked with Campus Crusade for Christ here in Elbasan, and found out that they had a team of guys visiting the injured in the Vlore hospital. Ilir asked if they could visit our Dornia and call us to tell us how she was. He said he would call us when they had seen her.

Another hour or so went by and Ilir called the guys again. He found out that they had been to the hospital and they had visited with Elidona. They said she was awake and did not have life threatening injuries. We were so happy to finally have the news that both of our girls were ok. It was like the whole room exhaled after having held our breath for hours. Ilir asked the guys again to go check on Dorina and let us know how she is doing. As we continued watching the news coverage, we noticed that Dorina's name was on the list of people who was in the Vlore hospital, but Elidona's name was never listed there. We began to wonder what was going on. We knew from more than one reliable source that friends of the girls and Ilir's had met with her and talked to her. We wondered why they never updated their lists on the news. Then, Ilir's phone rang...

I will never forget the look on his face, as if all the blood drained in an instant. We had known something wasn't right. The numbers and what the news was saying just didn't add up. The phone call Ilir received was to inform him that Elidona was in fact at the Vlore hospital. However, it seemed that Dorina was still missing. What had happened was a mix up in names. As Elidona was brought to the hospital, she was frantically searching for her best friend, calling out her name "Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa...". In the hustle and bustle of a large scale medical event, she was registered as Dorina. This is why her name was never listed on any of the news lists. She had been identified as someone else, the very girl we were now desperate to get information about.

In the hours since the tragedy, Dorina's family had driven hours and hours from the city of Kruja to the South of Albania to see their daughter/sister in the hospital.

Here are a couple pictures of Kruja, Albania:

When they got to Vlore, they were informed of the name mix up and asked to look at the bodies in the morgue. Thankfully, they didn't find Dorina there and were then told that there were still two girls in the hospital in Tirana who were unidentified. They rushed the hours back to Tirana.

The fact is that Dorina was one of the unidentified girls. However, she died on the operating table before her family got there.

We, at Ilir's house, had seen the update on the news that she had died. We cried together, and then decided (since it was 1 in the morning) that the girls needed to try to sleep. The next day would be a long, very hard one for all of us. You see, in Albanian tradition, the body of a person who dies will be buried within 24 hours. We knew the funeral would be the next day, and it would take time for us to travel to Kruja. So, we all decided to try to get some rest, and meet again in the morning for the trip to the funeral in Kruja.

Now is where I really want to caution my readers. I have toyed with the idea of censoring what we went through that day, but I just feel like it makes the whole thing a bit pointless if I don't tell it all. If you are sensitive to emotional events, please be warned, this is not a lighthearted story.

The  Funeral:

I don't even really know where to begin with this part of the story. it was such a crazy mixed up and emotional day. Ilir had arranged a mini bus to take us to Kruja. Half way up the mountain to Kruja, Ilir got a phone call that the body that had been delivered to the house for the funeral was in fact the WRONG body. As if this family hadn't had enough drama and mix ups, they now had to open a casket, only to find a different young girl inside. Dorina's father handled the whole situation with grace and tact saying, "This is a beautiful young girl, but she is not my daughter."

So here we were, half way to Kruja and now questioning whether we would have a funeral or not. In the end it turned out Dorina's body had been delivered to Elbasan, and they quickly got the situation sorted out. When we arrived at the family's home, the body was there. The tradition in Albania is that everyone goes into the room to view the  body. Then women stay in the room with the body and some of the female members of the family, while the males all hang out in a different location, in this instance outside.

I remember the feeling of hope I had when I heard that the body they delivered was not Dorina. After all the identification mix ups just hours before, a little spark of hope ignited in me that she might not be dead but just unaccounted for. That spark, however, was killed the moment I walked into the house. Even from the hallway leading up to the viewing room, I could see the body and knew immediately it was her. She looked like Dorina, and she looked like she had been through a terrible accident. Her teeth were broken, she had a giant black hold in her forehead. Seeing her that day was the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The females from our group remained in the viewing room for a few minutes, crying and wailing with the mourning family. I do not know if someone who has not been to this kind of funeral can understand what I mean by "wailing". In this culture, when someone dies, the family wails at the top of their lungs. At first it can seem like an exaggeration and a scary thing, but in the end I have decided that it might be better, in some ways, to be free to mourn rather than having people around who pressure you to "be strong" in a moment when strength is not natural. This I believe to be true only to the believer who can then come above the mourning and wailing and find God's face again, rather than falling into a depression. Even for those who choose to keep a strong attitude, this is easier said than done.

After a few minutes in the viewing room, the ladies from our church went together to another room to greet Dori's sister. This was one of the hardest parts of it all, because we have known and loved Dori's sister, Sejada, for a long time. To see her reaction to it all was difficult. She lost her baby sister, and while she showed a remarkable Christian strength, it was still a moment when no words were enough for any one of us to give to her. What can you do in this situation? I am always so thankful for the advice of a long time mentor. He used to always say, "Laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry.". In the very moments following a tragedy such as this, there is no better advice. It is not a moment to preach or encourage. It is a moment to live out one of the emotions God created in us. The time comes later to comfort and encourage. This moment was one for mourning together. Even though we all knew Dori's strong Christian faith ensured us she was in Heaven, there is a process to something like this and the people left behind will need a moment to mourn their loss.

After the viewing and visiting with the sister, we walked outside to await the procession to the graveyard. Many people were there that day. Its amazing to see how many lives this wonderful girl had touched in one way or another.

We then went together down the mountain to Kruja's graveyard. For me, this was the most difficult part. As I watched people cover the casket with the earth, I couldn't help but want to apologize to my little Dorina for having to now throw dirt in her face. As ridiculous as it sounds, in this moment I felt like we were betraying her. I mean, how can we throw dirt on a face we love? How can we put her underground and walk away? It was a very emotional process for me, personally, as for many others in our group.

After the accident Kerri and I had many opportunities to share God and His enduring love in many ways. Sadly, we learned that Dorina was the only believer who died in the accident. 11 others died who did not believe. However, it is amazing the doors God opened through the tragedy. One example, the waiter we had been working on for so long finally came to church, even if it was just for the memorial service, it is a step in the right direction and we still hold out hope for him to grow in the things of God.

Sejada (Dori's sister) was baptized at this summer's youth camp in Pogradecs, and Keli (her brother) prayed a salvation prayer at the same camp. These are things that bring healing for those of us still grieving. For a long time, we have prayed for God to touch this family, and I believe that God is doing something in them as a family unit. I believe that He can use this tragedy to show Himself to them in a new way, and I am sure He has already begun this work.

There are many questions that people ask when tragedy like this arises. Thankfully (or not), having been through similar incidents before this, I was very well prepared to help those around me. I am thankful that God was able to use me, and I am sure that He will continue to use my experiences to touch people's lives in moments similar to this.

I know one thing for sure, God is good and His love for us is without end. I have come to the conclusion that death, especially due to tragedy, will never be something we can handle well. However, that being said, I would also like to point out that we do not look at death the way God does. I believe He has an infinite plan for each individual that will carry on, in a different way, even after death. For Him death is a new chapter in life. For us, it feel terrible and unexplainable, because we will not understand the depth of the real meaning of  it until we ourselves experience it.

I will not lie, life has been very difficult since the accident. I can speak only for myself, but I will do so with 100% honesty. I have had ups and downs, and even today I have moments where I feel like I am losing it, emotionally. I think it will be a long road to healing for all of us, after a precious part of our church left us so suddenly and tragically. However, my hope lies in the One Who creates life. In the One Who gives and Who takes away. I know He is bigger than me and His thoughts are higher than mine... by FAR. Who am I to try and judge Him based on this?

No, this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

A picture of Dori on her way to Sarande. This picture was taken not long before this very bus flew off a cliff and killed 12 people, including our beloved Dorina Stafa. She is pictured on the far right with her friend Elidona on the left. 

I can't really say why I chose to write this blog now, other than it was about time I fully let go and shared with you all. Thanks for reading.

Julie

What Are You Supporting?

Many times, as a long term missionary, there are emotions that arise that you must take control of. I am sure this happens in any profession, just because of different situations. Some of the things are easy to deal with and you move on. Sometimes, I have to see what God is trying to do in my life, and make the difficult decisions to change or seek God more in that area. All in all, I want to live a life closer to Christ, on the missions field or not.

I know without a doubt that God's plan for me in this time is Albania. If you don't believe me, then let me tell you how much He has changed me just in this last year. I have never been in a place where I felt like I was on the operating table for open-heart surgery more often than I am right now. That sounds like a terrible thing and, although it can be very uncomfortable at times, I am sure that in every situation God has taught me something new. He uses every day of my life to teach me how to be closer to Him. Sometimes, I feel like part of the reason He brought me here was to work on ME. Put that in your 5 fold ministry pipe and smoke it. It is a hard thing to accept that Missionaries, evangelists, pastors, preachers and teachers might need God in their life in the same way as the people they teach. However, one of the things I have learned is that God cannot minister THROUGH me until He has ministered TO me. And that will be a never ending process. Thankfully He is taking me one step at a time, higher in the things of His Kingdom, and teaching me little by little (through my own experiences in life) how to reach out to others in all circumstances.

Now, that being said, I want to take a moment to give you a bit of a ministry and financial update. First of all I will answer the EVER so asked question (often with a hint of criticism behind it): So, Julie, what DO you do in Albania?

The answer I want to give is this: "I lay around at the beach all day sipping Pina Coloadas and trying to find out exactly what angle of sunlight gives the most effective tan." However, since this is my sarcastic side and not AT ALL the Godly OR correct answer, I often try to refrain from teasing people with this sentence.

Ok, Ok, now that I got that out of the way, the real answer goes something like this:

It has not been easy coming to Albania with a plan to start a youth group, only to see that fall to bits and pieces for various reasons. When this happens, you feel as if you have given up your WHOLE life, moved across the world, trying to bring positive change in people's lives, and failed miserably. There isn't much worse of a feeling/emptiness. However, from what I have heard from other long term missionaries, my circumstance is not at all unusual, and in fact it has happened to many of them for various reasons. Sometimes, the plan you have when you come into long term missions doesn't work simply because when you live in one culture and build a plan for another, it rarely works out exactly how you planned it. Long term missionaries often times do not know from the beginning how culture differences can really effect communications and various other things causing what seems like an all together melt down.

Thankfully, after going through this so called "failure", I see that God still had another plan for me in Albania. It was difficult at first as I had to reevaluate what He was asking me to do. After a few months of going to church and only helping with music and printed media, I was given the opportunity to do some volunteer work teaching children English. This has been fun and it was a GREAT way to learn the Albanian language better.

This week we have decided to begin working on taking our church worship team to a new level. This means that we have extended our weekly practices to include time just for prayer for the team and the worship in the church and added an hour to our Sunday morning practice. I am excited and so ready to see God take our worship to the next level!

Recently, (within the past month) I have been helping a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) couple who work with the Roma gypsies. I go into the gypsy community 3 days a week and I am teaching 3 girls aged 10-12 who are either really behind in schooling or else who have never been to school because of physical disability. I have found that this work has been more rewarding than anything I have ever done. I hope to continue with it in many ways. I hope (of course) to successfully teach reading, writing and basic schooling. However, more than that I hope to teach these girls how to have HOPE.

You see, the Roma gypsies, at least the ones here in Elbasan, have a culture very, very different than even the Albanians. They live in a community separated from the rest of the city, just at the edge of town. They are often times known in town as thieves and generally bad people. This means that even these little 10-12 year old girls will face severe racism on a daily basis. As if that wasn't enough, the Roma gypsy children often face arranged marriages from very early ages. It is very possible that if one of the girls I work with starts her period (remember these girls are ages 10-12) then she will be married off to the first boy that the family can come to an agreement on.

It is a very sad culture, and I hope to be able to find a way to give these kids hope in their future. Even if they face early marriage (which we pray they don't) my desire is that they would have hope enough built inside of them to try to make a better life, even if it is just by getting a job because now they know how to read and write.

If you want to know more about the Roma gypsy ministry that YWAM has in Elbasan, Albania, check out this website www.huntefamily.webs.com .


In the work that God has given me since my plan fell apart, I have realized that He is asking me to work with young people still. My vision here in Albania is to help children and youth come closer to Jesus and find hope and vision in Him, through any venue possible. If you choose to support me, that's what you would support.

As for the financial part of this update, I can tell you that I need $500 a month to get by. This cover all expenses such as cost of living, ministry materials (such as school materials and snacks), an annual or bi-annual trip back to Texas to see family and to keep contact with the churches there, and any excess would be saved for future projects. At this point in time, I am receiving $150 to $200 a month. This is enough to cover basic cost of living and possibly some photocopying for school work. The past two months have been more challenging as I have seen my main source of finances (monthly payments from a car I sold before I left) come to an end.

At this point in time I ask you, my friends and family, to prayerfully consider how you can help. If it is only through prayer, then we all know that God honors those prayers and I appreciate the time dedicated to the ministry here in Albania. If it is only $10 or $20 a month, PLEASE know that this helps more than you can understand. It is not expensive to live in Albania, and I believe many things can be done with just a little finance.

All in all, I know that God is watching out for me because He is the one Who sent me here. Even though I have certainly been financially (and otherwise) stretched at times, I can honestly say that I have never once gone without. I know He has His hand all over this.

Thanks for reading. Below I have posted a picture of Suada (pronounced Swada). She is one of the girls I teach in the Roma community. She is deaf and has never been to school, as far as I know. I love communicating with her because, even though it is very challenging at times, it is SO rewarding to see her grasp new concepts. She is a very intelligent girl.

March 5, 2012

This month I will celebrate one year of living in Albania. It has been the most random, unpredictable, up-and-down year I could have ever imagined. There have been things/people/moments I have absolutely loved and flourished in, and there have been difficult moments as well. All in a good years work for me and my God. Here are a few photos of Elbasan:

I love that relationships are highly valued here

Originally, I came to Albania with  the intention of starting a youth group in a particular church over three months time. My plan was to raise up two of the youth to lead after I left. In reality, this plan never even really got off the ground. Interest was little, and I am still not sure exactly why everything happened the way it did, other than God had a different plan than all of us. So, after three months of trudging and trying (all in our own power) the youth group idea was given up, and I began to seek God's face about how to continue.

In the end, I felt God leading me to get involved in a church that is a little closer to where I live here in Albania, and so I made that very difficult move in July or August of 2011. Even though the move was a separation from the people I have always worked with here in Albania, I knew from the beginning God's hand was all over it. This new church quickly became like family to me, and I began to get plugged in there, playing the drums and doing media/graphic/video design for them. Here is some of the work I have done for the church so far:

 A bookmark for all the ladies on Valentine's day. 1 Corinthians 13

Above is an invitation to an outreach. The church hosted couples to see the movie "Fireproof", complete with Albanian subtitles. 

March 8th is Woman's Day in Albania. We will celebrate the ladies in our church on March 9th. Above is the invitation. 

My roommate Kerri Nixon, boldly leads the youth and young adults group in the church, instilling a fire for God and firm foundations of discipleship in their lives. Above is the youth/young adult schedule of events for February and March.

Another venture I have taken on is teaching. When school began this fall I began teaching English in a Preschool here in town. It was a challenge for me, because I have no training at all as a teacher, and most of the kids knew no English at all. After a few weeks of teaching English, I was offered a volunteer position doing the same thing at another Preschool in town. So, I quickly got over my fears and learned how to teach! It has been a fun experience, working with the children of both of these schools. I find many of them to be very very bright for their age.

Home of Hope Preschool

Church of the Resurrection Preschool

At this point in time I am only teaching English at Home of Hope preschool. The Church of the Resurrection preschool has gone through a staff change and I am awaiting the opportunity to discuss with the new teacher how we may continue with English classes.

Now as my first year comes to close, I can honestly look around and see what God is doing. There are many opportunities, right at the fingertips of those who are called to work for Him here. I am currently praying over three situations, one of which will involve working with street children inside a program that the church is looking to start, one will involve teaching English to some university students and one will involve teaching disabled or underprivileged children within a church in the Roma gypsy community. My hope with all these ventures is that God will be glorified in Elbasan, whether that is because the children have been shown a Love they haven't known before, or if it is because a student starts coming to church because of the relationship they made with their English teacher. Pray for a great awakening in Elbasan. Pray that the first generation Christians can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding it takes to raise strong families.

Pray for our street boys along with some of our underprivileged young boys

Clement and Fiona Hunte are pastors in the Roma gypsy community here in Elbasan, Albania.

Living in Albania is wonderful to me, because it is what God has called me to do. It is a very different, very difficult lifestyle full of hard work. That being said, I have never found a place where I feel more at home. God's grace is sufficient for every situation, and I believe He equips us to do the work He gives us to do.

I think the question I have been asked most frequently by family and friends is, "When are you coming home??". I will answer that as honestly as I can right now. I do not know. God has called me here for such a time as this, and when He sees fit, I am sure He will provide the time off and whatever else is needed for me to make a visit home. Until then, know that I do love you all and your support over the past 12 months has meant a lot to me. Working together, I am sure we can keep bringing Jesus to Elbasan.

As for YOU, if you want to come visit, feel free! I am open to having visitors of all types. If you want to come take a European vacation and see where I live and what I am doing, that is awesome. If you want to send your youth on a missions trip and shake their world up a little bit, I am open to that as well. Just contact me for all the details. In 2011 I was blessed to have two visitors:

 Lindita (above) is an Albanian who has emigrated to the States. She came to spend a week at the beach with us in the city of Vlorë and then went on to visit her family in the city of Korçë.

Amy (above) came to visit and spend a week in Vlorë with us. After that she spent a week in Elbasan seeing the work that goes on at the Church of the Resurrection and spending time with me at my house. 

Spring and summer are a great time to plan trips like this. Here are a few photos of my house in Albania:

 I share a one bedroom apartment (with my roomie, Kerri) in the bottom floor of a private house

 Thank God for western bathrooms! Most places in Albania will have them now.

 Our living room, although it doesn't look like this anymore since we painted!

The bottom line is, you KNOW you want to come visit me!!! Even if you don't, you can always show your support through prayer and finance. I am blessed to have numerous people praying for me and this call of God. Although life has been tough in many areas at times, I will testify to His perfect plan and His faithfulness by saying that I have not had one day where I went without basic necessities.


Through the ups and downs, this has been a radical journey over the past year. I have struggled to adapt, but clung to Him. When all else fails, I can rely on this: I am still the Julie HE created me to be. No one else had a say in it, and He made me who I am for a reason. For those of you back home, I am still the same old me, just with some upgrades in my walk with God. Here I am over the past year:

February 9, 2012

I want to bring up a topic that is considered a "civil rights" movement of sorts in the USA, but that has Christians and Christianity questioning their stance and that has an entire nation divided to the point of fighting like children. It is a topic that I have wrestled over for many, many years as to how exactly I will choose to view it: right or wrong. This topic is homosexuality.

Let me clarify, I have not personally struggled with this. Give me a Josh Lucas or Matthew McConaughey any day, but I do have friends from work and school who are gay, but who are still my friends. This is why I have struggled to find solid ground to stand on regarding what I believe. However, since moving to Albania, I have had opportunity to go deeper in the things of God and grow spiritually as I never have before. I have found the true FREEDOM that Christ offers in every area of life, and this is why I can clearly say where I stand now. So this goes out as a letter to all my homosexual friends and to anyone who may end up reading it:

Dear Beloved Child of God,

I know life hasn't been easy for you. In fact, it has probably been incredibly hard. The truth is statistically speaking, you life has probably involved being abused in one way or another. If not, something in you has given into perversion for any number of reasons. Many people today struggle with life and how hard it can be. We work so hard to be good people who seem to have stability in our social world, and yet we find that at times life can be severely unjust.

It is true. The car accident that took your little brother didn't care if he was a good person or not. The man who walked into your high school/church/walmart/wherever didn't care if he was killing good people or not. The guy who raped your sister as a kid didn't care how good of a person she was. The person you call dad who beat you till you couldn't see straight didn't care if you had been good that day. Life can be unjust and often times this causes us to ask questions. Some of us will ask things like "Why serve a God Who can let bad things happen to good people." What we are really asking is "How can all my hard work be washed away with this one tragedy?". Some of us will come up with answers on our own, such as believing there is no God, and if there is, you are certainly not on His radar.

The truth is that this is not about God, it is about us. It always has been. I will serve a God that I think is convenient for me and my lifestyle. I will look to God when I am in trouble. I go to church sometimes. I am a good person. I don't believe in God, therefore He must not exist.

My friend, if this is the last thing I ever say to you, I hope that you hear it as more important than anything else. The problem is us. We crave a freedom that we cannot reach. We long to taste it, but in reality we question its existence. We reach to the Heavens above when we need help, but we do it in a mocking way when our lives show, every other day, our disbelief. The problem is sin. The problem is not that God "allows" bad things to happen to good people, but that mankind chooses day after day after day after day to sin against God and people. It just so happens that one or two of those times affected your life. It is a difficult thing to believe, but the fact of the matter is, you are not alone.

The truth is that many people have struggled through what you are struggling through right now. You may not want to believe that, or maybe you find it hard to comprehend, but it is true. Many people in the world today have lived tortured lives. They have been sinned against in the worst ways and by the people they trusted the most. So how do we move on from these things? Is there a way to really move past these devastating hurts in our lives? I believe there is. Let me tell you about it.

I am going to be very honest with you. I myself have struggled with many things. We all have our battles. Many people, like I said before, have been sinned against by another person in their lifetime. I struggled with sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation. It never ceases to amaze me that people will answer this with the question/statement, "But... you're a girl...". The truth is that these types of addictions find everyone at one point or another until they experience true freedom. So, how do you find this freedom?

The first step for me was to begin to see my life in a different way. I had to begin to realize that God loved me just the way I was and that instead of being angry with me, He wanted me to see how much better my life could be. I was challenged to live life differently for 40 days and I did just that. I put myself in God's hands, completely, for 40 days, and I was able to see things so differently. I saw that He loves me in ways I cannot begin to describe. I saw that my sexual desires were driving almost everything I did, which really surprised me because I thought I was in control. I saw that I COULD live differently, which I had not thought was possible AT ALL. I just figured everyone was doing it, so how could God judge us?

The amazing fact behind all of this is that it is possible to live in a new kind of freedom. Now, not only have I been freed from all the things that kept me tied down, but I am also free to see myself as a person of extreme value and worth in God's eyes. I no longer settle for any guy who is even the slightest bit interested in me. I no longer look at men with the intention of figuring out if they are date-able or not. I no longer look at marriage as something where I will have to settle for whoever offers. I no longer hate myself...

Now that's where it is all at... isn't it?

Don't we all do it? Everyone hates themselves, don't they? I mean, we put on a face for the world, co workers, whomever, but in the end it comes down to how the voice inside our head treats us from day to day. We mustn't allow the scars of our past to become the thorns of our future. Yes, we live in a world of people who constantly sin against one another, thereby hurting each other in deep ways. No, the person or people who sinned against you at any point in time were NOT right, and I am not condoning anything they did. They were wrong in hurting you. The fact is, however, that a little bit of you thinks that they were right.

This is the dark secret we have kept hidden away for so long. Ya, my Uncle So and So sexually abused me as a kid, and he said he chose me because I am weak. The fact is that a little part of you that you hide away from the rest of the world believes what that Uncle said. Even more so, a part of you has learned to believe that you deserved what happened to you.

The world screams at the top of their lungs that we should not treat you as a lesser being, but the very truth of the matter, the exact fact, is that you yourself BELIEVE that you are less of a person. You haven't ever told anyone that, but it echoes away in your head day after day after day after day. Your mind screams at you when you lay your head down on the pillow at night. You can't sleep because your mind won't let you, right? Look at it this way: You also don't LIVE because your mind won't let you.

We all build walls to safeguard ourselves from ever being hurt again. We turn these walls into habits and over time these habits just become "who we are" and we train our friends, family and coworkers to believe the lie, thereby setting up our life to continue on the very path it was on in that singular moment we were hurt. You build up the walls to keep new hurt out, but in reality the very walls you built to protect yourself are the very walls that keep the old hurt IN.

Its time you stood up and began to smash  the walls down. They won't come down easily or alone. There will be PLENTY of tears and you will need people around you who you can confide in and lean on. However, once you begin to break down these walls, you will begin to overpower and overcome the things that people have done to hurt you. You will overcome the hurt and you will come into the truth. God's truth. After all, Who knows you better than the One Who created you?

God does not want to see you suffer, but He designed this world in a way that it must operate on man's free will. What does that mean? It means that when you are busy asking Him why He let things happen in your life, He is busy yelling and screaming and gesturing for you to come to Him, to run to His arms for comfort, but His best efforts cannot be heard over your walls. All the while He keeps trying, and His heart truly breaks time and time again as He watches you deny Him and walk away holding your hurt in your own arms.

All He is here to offer you is freedom, but what more do you need? For real, ask yourself: What more do I need than freedom in every area of life? If I was truly free in all areas, would I really need anything else? If you come up with the answer I did, you will begin to seek His face.

I have to tell you that this comes from the deepest parts of my being. Many of the things I shared in this blog, I have never shared with anyone besides my accountability person and God. For those of you who have only known me as a "good person", do not be shocked at the terrible, awful things I have done. Instead be shocked at how BIG my God is that He can change me and renew my purity and my belief in purity. Stand in awe before the God Whom many of you call your God, and ask Him what He has for you. Dare to stand for purity.

Thanks for reading,

Julie

December 31, 2011

Definition of FIRE

1

a (1) : the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat.

I have been wanting to do a word study on "fire" for a long time. Even though I am just beginning that process, the things I read as I study cause a stirring in my spirit. There should be a fire burning inside of all who call themselves Christians. I want to take a moment and challenge you today. Do you have the 3 elements that it takes to be a burning fire? Is there REALLY a fire LIVING inside of you? Let's find out...

As of right now you are obviously (if you come from any sort of Christian background) being reminded of the fire that guided the Israelites. In Exodus chapter 13 we see that God Himself provided His people with a pillar of fire by night as they went forth to do what He asked of them. This is exciting and is an obvious look into the future of what the Holy Spirit/Helper is to us today. Even though this is absolute amazingness (I know thats not a word) to read about and everyone in their right mind would give anything to see God do such a thing today, this is not the exact direction I want to take with the word "fire".

Let me ask you something? Do you have days where you feel like the last thing you want to do is pretend to be happy? Do you ever pull up to the church parking lot and think something like, "I really, really don't want to fake a smile again today."? Do you ever walk out of a Sunday worship experience untouched by God and wondering what's wrong? Do I sound like an advertisement for an anti-depressant right now? Haha, ok, ok... moving on...

Seriously? How many Christians are living their lives in deep, deep depressive states? How many people who call themselves Christians can't remember the last time they shared their faith? How many of us can't accept the fact that we will have ups and downs in this human life, and so when the downs hit we don't know how to handle the emotions? Again, I ask. Seriously?

I am not saying that we are to live life above emotion. I believe this concept has been wrongly taught in the church. I believe God created human emotion for a reason. I also believe that God gave us opportunity to know Him through Jesus and to know His hand on our lives through the ups AND the downs because as Jesus (God Himself manifested as human) left the earth, He gave us the Helper (Holy Spirit). Why would he call the Holy Spirit "the Helper" (John 15:26) if He wasn't here to help us through difficult times? So, lets study this "Helper" a little bit...

The first time we see it stated in the scripture that the New Testament Church was touched by the Holy Spirit was in Acts chapter 2. You will notice that in verse 3 it says that as the Holy Spirit came upon them, He appeared as if tongues or flames of fire had settled on each person. In my word study for fire, I knew I would find the Holy Spirit right in the middle of it all, but the more I think about it, the more I actually wonder how many people who call themselves "Christian" actually let the fire settle on them in their every day lives.

Lets take this back to a word study for a moment, looking at what Merriam Webster has to say about the definition of the very word:

Definition of FIRE

1

a (1) : the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat 

You will see, that in Webster's opinion, fire is a combustion (act or instance of burning) of three things: light, flame and heat.

I have to admit that when I saw that fire was a combination of three things, combusting to create something new and useful, I wanted to find a way to tie it to the Trinity. I haven't done a lot of study on this, so if you feel the same as I do, search it out. Get in the Word and ask God to reveal something to you today. That's your homework. Let me know what you find out. Moving on...

When I was a kid, I had this friend named Irna. We were soooo passionate about the things of God. We literally got school bullies saved and sang worship publicly in supermarkets at the top of our voice. As life moved on and things changed, I began to notice that this passion/fire I used to have seemed to slowly dim or even at times fully burn out. Part of my desire to research and do a study on the word "fire" was because I wanted to restore something inside of me. I wanted to remind myself of who I really am and of what I am capable of with God on my side. 2 Timothy 1:6 is a reminder to stir ourselves up in our faith. In the New Living Translation it even says "fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you..."

As I try to remind, build and stir myself up, I remember the fire I used to have. So, lets look again at the word fire...

Definition of FIRE

1

a (1) : the phenomenon of combustion manifested in light, flame, and heat.

Fire begins immediately when three things are combined: light, flame and heat. Where do we find these elements in our lives? How do we work these three ideas into spirituality? Obviously the light, to me, would be the light of salvation: Christ in me. I could get super deep just on this one point, but for the sake of writing a BLOG and not a book, I will refrain. However, if you want to know more about this salvation and how Christ can live in you, feel free to ask questions or to contact me in any way. 

Now, we know we need light (the light of salvation, Christ in us). Where do we get the flame? I want to refrain to Timothy when God told him to "fan into flames the gift God has given". God has put a passion inside of every one of us, a calling you might even say. When you have Jesus living in you, begin to search out what God is really saying to you. What passions has He given you? As you begin to stir yourself up in that way, you will find that He has placed a boldness inside of you to accomplish the calling. Fan it into a flame. 

Next, we will see that we need heat. I struggled a little bit with what this might mean. In the end I came to this conclusion: you need a little heat in your life. You need the strength to speak up. To speak out against wrong. Don't let others dominate what you do and believe. You need the ability to speak with heat. Its like when you burn yourself on the oven. It likely isn't a burn so bad that it will leave a scar, but in the end... without even trying... the oven has taught you a lesson about what it is and how you treat it. We need to take the boldness God has put in us, and use it to teach others how to react to who we really are. This may be more difficult (and applicable) where family and friends are concerned. They have known you most of (if not all) of your life, and when they see that you have plans to follow Christ in a way that is bigger than what they had imagined for you, this is when you will need this heat. In a way that doesn't leave a scar, you will need the heat/boldness to proclaim the truth about every step you take. You will need the heat to burn when they tell you it can't be done.

Fan the flame. 

Unfortunately, you cannot (in any way) have fire without the risk of burn. I encourage you today to begin to ask God what passions and gifting He has put in you. Ask Him how He would like to use you in this world. It may be bigger than what you had expected. Then, begin to study His Word. Learn about Him. Learn Who He is. Let Him speak to you. Fan into flames what He has put inside of you. Don't let the world, family, friends, or even the church put it out. It will take boldness. Learn to burn without scarring. Learn to be refined inside the very flame you are stirring. Don't be afraid to let God change you. It will burn and it will hurt at times in the process, but something brilliant and blazing will arise, if you will only let Him do the work He WANTS to do in you.

Be a fire in the church. There are so many Christians who go to church every week, but are still only Christian by name. They find ways to bend the rules to fit their life and the way they want to live. If you wanted to be a firefighter, you would not show up to work in a clown costume and expect to be able to ride on the engine and do the work. Why do we show up at church (often times in theoretical clown costumes) acting like we want to be something that, if we were to look at the way we live, we really don't want to be. If you don't want to live like a Christian, don't go to church and tell the world you ARE a Christian. However, if you feel like there is something inside of you that God has placed that can be fanned into flames, then go to church, seek counsel, get on your knees before God. Ask Him to change the things in your life that you struggle with. Seek out accountability and practical guidelines to help you overcome whatever you are battling. IT IS POSSIBLE. Christianity is not a game. Don't treat it like one.

Fan it into flames.

Thanks for reading.

J

December 8, 2011

In the end, dear friend, it is always between us and God, not between us and them. ~Mother Teresa

Sometimes God puts people in your life just to prove a point. For me, He has brought an exceptional friend along my side in the past few month. She is someone who inspires me in so many ways. I can't even begin to convey how thankful I am to God for placing her in my life at this strategic time. I didn't realize it before I moved onto the mission field, but even though I was already saved and serving the Lord, He was pursuing my heart in a HUGE way... and He was out to prove a point to me.

Over my life I have had endless opportunity in every area, good and not so good. In times of decision, I can honestly say that I haven't always taken the righteous path. Sometimes I have even looked God in the face and said "No" to what He was directly telling me. It was in these times that I opened a door of sin in my life, and through this open door came much hurt and darkness that hid itself deep inside my heart over many many years. Not everything that has happened to me has been by fault of my own decisions, but for the things that were direct results of my poor choices, I held onto the pain and regret. Sometimes, I didn't even know I regretted the things I had done, thus allowing an icy wall to slowly build up around parts of my life, my heart and my spirit.

Upon taking a step of faith and making the permanent move to Albania, I began to see God work an array of miracles in my life and I saw Him put very specific things in order. One of those things was a place for me to live. Once I had made the final decision to stay in Albania, God opened the door for me to move in with a missionary friend who had been living in Albania for a little over 2 years already. Thankfully this allowed my financial situation to be much less stressful, as my cost of living would be only half of what I was expecting it to be. Little did I know what God was really up to. I knew that He had His hand all over the situation, because of the way He brought me and this roommate together. You see, she is a gal from South Africa who I met on a random trip to the ice cream shop on one of my short term trips in 2007 or 2008 (I really can't remember which year). God did a seemingly random thing when we met that night and hit it off immediately as the best of friends. Over the years, even from miles away, we kept in contact via internet. This is what opened the door for me to move in with her and split expenses as we both tackled the calling God had on our lives.

That being said, I knew God did something extraordinary in creating a special friendship between two people who had a heart for the same tiny nation, but I didn't realize that He wasn't done yet. In the first few months of rearranging your entire life, moving countries, changing cultures and trying to build a new life in a different place, your emotions can become a bit unsettled. Its not that I broke down or anything, but I began to see God using my vulnerability to reveal those icy places in my heart. As those things began to rear their heads, this wonderful friend God had already placed in my life allowed herself to be used endlessly to show me Gods unending love for ME. You see, I had always known of God's love, and of course I "knew" He loved me... but I was missing something. The funny thing is that I never knew I was lacking in this way, but God moved and showed me things that I am eternally grateful for.

In the end, I have seen a bit of a roller coaster in many ways since taking this move into ministry. However, I can honestly say that I know God has a plan for me here, and that I am following His ways step by step on a new journey, with a new realization for His love for me in my heart. Without this true knowledge of how He loves me, how could I have ever reached out to others? I am so glad that even when we think we have arrived, God has a new fire to put us through, and that He uses that to refine us to values we never thought we could reach. I am worth more than I know, and so are you.

In the end I am so thankful for the way that this special friend helped me through those hard times. Today is a special day for me, in celebrating a spiritual victory and freedom. I "raise my glass" to her for all the tears, hugs and love we have seen each other through. I know it is hard to do what we do, and I am so inspired by the way I have seen her live her life for God.

I want to set an example for the young people out there who think the world is too hard of a place to live in AND to truly live like a Christian. The truth is, this is a girl who is over 30 and is 100% pure in many ways, not just the one that you are thinking of. She has integrity in every area in life and I think you should listen closely and use this story to set "the bar" in your life.

This is a girl who seeks God on every decision, even things that may seem small. She sets boundaries in her life and abides tightly by them. It is easy to fall into sin, and to open the door to darkness in your life, but it is also easy to stay pure and to live as a Christian example in your family, school and even church. Imagine being a Christian who is so dedicated to purity that God begins to use you as an example to other people who are already living the Christian life.

It is as simple as saying yes to some things and no to others. It is as simple as living in God's Word AND taking His Word for exactly what it says. Live it out on a day to day basis. You can do it. Be encouraged. There ARE Christians out there who are living like it. Begin to pursue God on how to be one of them.

I want to take a minute and thank my bestie. I don't need to mention names, because she knows exactly who she is AND she knows why I am thanking her today. If it wasn't for the way God used her in my life over the past 8-9 months, I don't know if I would have been able to fulfill His calling in the equipped way I can today. I thank God for people like her who lay down their entire life and being for the sake of God and I thank her for taking time to care about my tiny and seemingly unimportant issues. It has made all the difference in my life.

Live you life in a way that you can show God to others and set in motions changes in their lives that will impact generations to come. This isn't about who has bread to eat and who doesn't. This is about eternity. We can feed people and build them houses, but in the end if they go to hell without knowing God, what have we really done?

Be inspired today to live life in a way where your decisions are based solely on what will matter in eternity. Anything else is frivolous and has a definite expiration date.

Thanks for reading,

Julie

October 16, 2011

Truth is, you're worth it all.

- God



I am going to steal a page out of my roommates book right now and talk a little bit about eternity. You see, sometimes, in the scheme of things, we forget to look at the real "Big Picture". We spend time worry about trivial things: I can't be late to church, they didn't sing my favorite song in worship today, the lady who is SUPPOSED to clean the church this week didn't show up and now I have to rush to get the church in order before service today, I would bring my friend to church... but Sunday is their only day off and I don't want to put another burden on them. These kinds of things, and many more, seem so important in the light of the very moment when we are dealing with them, however I think we need to ask ourselves a question. What do these things mean in the light of eternity?

IF we desire to continue to call ourselves Christians, I think its about time we started to act like it and weigh things out on a different scale. The truth is that the lady who is supposed to clean the church might not have shown up to church today because she is battling severe depression and just couldn't handle the thought of living one more day the same old way. Therefore, when she finally does show up and gets shot a "Where were you?" look by you from across the room, it does nothing but dig her hole a little deeper. In the end, what did you miss out on by cleaning the church for her anyway? Lunch at Wendy's with your buddies?

Ok, so maybe my examples are a bit radical, but the truth is that it will take a radical generation... a radical race even... to change the world and to make an impact that is eternal. Why don't we begin to befriend the ones who have treated us unjustly? If they don't want to be befriended, pray for them. Why aren't we lifting up the Christians who are hurting? Why aren't we training up leaders to counsel instead of people to point their fingers?

In the end, the only thing that will matter for the people who have known you is whether or not the things you did pointed them to Jesus. Lets not get legalistic about this and think every little tiny decision through until we give ourselves stomach ulcers. However, lets instead make time for Jesus in our morning routine. Take 5 minutes and invite Him into our day. Invite Him into our decision making, so that we don't have to worry so much, but only listen to His leading.

When the cleaning lady stands before God one day, all that will matter to her is whether or not Christ was presented to her. Will you be the one to take a stand, sacrifice yourself and maybe even a little pride? I'm gonna be bold right now and call you all out. If you claim to be Christian, stand up and walk for Jesus, or go home. Its a rough thing to say, but truth is that you already KNOW the truth. God thinks you are SO worth it. Will you let Him live in your life? Will you trust Him with YOUR circumstances so that He in turn can trust you with others?

Go big or go home.


Thanks for reading,

Julie