Natalie Tattalie

Sometimes I have to be the strong one in a group. The rock. A leader. I feel like a lot of people expect that of me as a minister, especially in certain situations. Sometimes I have to hold my tears when others cry freely. I have to seem like the one who isn't affected by the circumstances, when in reality you will look back and see that I was the one who had a profound affect in your time of need. Sometimes I have to be a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes I must press through the hard times and move on.

And sometimes, I break down and sob...

I didn't expect to be writing this blog tonight. In all reality I have a TON of things to do... laundry, pack for vacation, pack for moving, do online classes, get ready for work tomorrow. I thought that IF I did finally sit down and write this blog, it would be while I am on vacation. You know, so I can collect my thoughts and speak my point clearly. I guess I was wrong. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last.

In my life I have seen many things, both great and sorrowful. I have been there for friends through it all and they have done the same for me. I pride myself in being a rock; a solid person who people can turn to for real and effective advice... if I indeed have advice and experience to offer on their particular circumstance. Sometimes this part of me is a really great thing. I know it makes me a great youth leader, as there are always young people looking for an experienced ear to JUST listen. Then, there are other times when this aspect of me tears me to pieces from the inside out.

Like I said, I didn't think I would be writing this blog today, but here we go:

Almost two years ago, I went through one of the worst experiences of my life. I was torn away from people I love and forced into a situation that was far less than good. (I know I am being vague, but for the sake of others, I'd like for you to try and understand where I am coming from without all the specifics.) Anyway, I found myself a little lost, and first and foremost scrambling for a job. Luckily, after filling out ENDLESS applications at every kind of workplace imaginable, I got a call from Walmart. Now, at the time (and for a long time after that) I didn't think that this call was a good thing. I loathed the idea of working at Walmart and I told myself it was a temporary fix. To make a long story slightly shorter, I got the job at Wally World and began working as a sales associate in the Electronics department. It was in that department, only a couple months later, where I would meet Natalie.

Natalie was a different kind of person, to say the least, with her daring gaze and often times what seemed like an all out bad attitude. One day I was setting up a new MP3 display and was assigned to work with her on this project. I didn't really mind the assignment, I just didn't know Natalie all that well... so we just got straight to work. That day we ended up getting so frustrated with the project that we laughed until we cried. Natalie and I were buddies forever after that, regardless of what kind of attitudes either of us had.

Natalie brought out the best in me (if even by flattery) when she would say things like, "You're SO funny, Julie". We worked together for only a few months, but we knew each other, and were even talking about being roomates at one point. Too bad we never got around to making that happen...

After a few months, I got a promotion and transferred to the front of the store managing all the cashiers and customer service. I BEGGED Natalie to follow me, as I knew she LOVED working up front in the accounting office. It was a little selfish too, cause I wanted to be able to work with her again, but she never could make that move, and so we just talked when we could.

One day as I was handling a complaint, I realized the associate who had ticked my customer off was Natalie. I tried my best to smooth things over, but in the back of my head I knew the customer was right about Nat's attitude, and immediately after I "fixed" things I called back to Electronics and suggested the manager find out what was wrong with Natalie and why she treated the customer that way. He ended up sending her home and I went on with my day.

It wasn't until that night that I heard the news. Natalie was in the ER and they were due to operate any time on what they said was a dangerous ulcer. I felt bad for thinking the way I did about Natalie's attitude. No wonder she didn't act nice... she wasn't feeling well. She had ulcers. So I tried my best to keep up to date on how she was doing and planned to go visit her ASAP, but it turned out she had something else going on and they weren't sure what. When I pried into the Electronics manager, he mentioned the possibility of cancer. I was floored. My first thought was, "My friend CAN'T have cancer. Haven't I lost enough people in my life?". However, I tried to let the thought leave me, because we really just didn't know anything yet. I prayed for the answer I needed to hear, but unfortunately I didn't get it this time.

The call came in the beginning of January of this year. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Ron (the Electronics Mgr.) and he said, "Julie, are you sitting down?"

Stage four colon cancer.

I didn't really have time to digest that. I still don't think I have had the time to digest it, but at that particular moment I was just walking back out onto the job from lunch. SO, I put on my strong face and went through the day without anyone knowing what was going on (Natalie insisted she would kill me if I told anyone. She wanted privacy). The only time I was asked anything that day was when one of my managers caught me rubbing my neck and looking at the floor. She asked me what was wrong, and even though I KNEW she knew Natalie also, all I could say was, "One of my friends was just diagnosed with stage four colon caner.". I was to have many a day like that. Many times where all I wanted to do was tell all the people who she cared about, so that they could love her and go see her and support her. I wasn't allowed to.

Luckily, (and I use the word luck with a grain of salt because I know there are MANY others who wish they would've been in my shoes) I was allowed to go see her in the hospital on her birthday. January 12. I bought her a movie "Julie and Julia" because I had heard she wanted to see it, and I put it in a black and white bag with black and red tissue paper because I knew she liked the colors. Looking back now, I am so happy I got to see her that day. Little did I know it would be the last time...

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, April 10, 2010. I was driving in my car, on a wonderfully busy and beautiful Saturday afternoon, on my way to a Loen concert. Then my world changed. After months of trying to get her to let us see her again, we had no success. Natalie was stubborn, and her sister would even call us, saying that she wouldn't even let her own family come and see her, so we shouldn't feel bad.

Let me just say this. I am a helping person. If I can't DO something to help you in your day to day life, even if its just smile at you, then I am a LOST person. God hard wired this into me. I couldn't change if I wanted to. It hurt me to depths unseen that she wouldn't let me BE me. I wanted to sit at her bedside every single day. I wanted to make her giggle when no one else could. I wanted to be a friend through thick and thin. She wouldn't let me. She wouldn't let anyone.

Like I said, my world was disrupted on that Saturday afternoon, when I heard my phone ring in the seat next to me. I turned my radio down, picked up my phone and saw that it was Ron. I knew this couldn't be good. Just four days before (on my bday) I got the news that she was given 2-4 weeks to live. So, as I answered the phone, I probably should have been expecting to hear the words... I knew it... but I couldn't know it. I didn't want to know it. I answered, "Hello." Ron: "Hey Jules. Natalie died today." Me: "No she didn't." Ron: "Yes she did. I'm sorry, but I have to make a lot of phone calls right now. But you were my first."...

I hung up the phone and starred out at the road in front of me, my concert no longer meaning a single thing to me, even though I would walk in that night and see a ton of people I know and love,, paint a smile on my face and act like I didn't hurt. That's me. I'm strong. I turned up my radio and on came a song that word for word meant everything I was thinking...

A couple a days later I headed out to Amarillo with Ron and a couple of our co workers, Travis and Ashley. They would cry the whole way there. Me? I would sit in the back seat and listen to my MP3 and not shed a tear, because I'm a rock. All the while I am crying inside because I am listening to that song I heard on the radio over and over again. For some reason I can't even bring myself to shed a tear. I get frustrated at this fact, but I should know better by now. With over ten people who I have known and loved dying tragically (all of them) in my lifetime, I should know that no matter what I CANNOT cry. At least not in front of people. I am a strong person. I am a rock.

We stood there at the wake until everyone else had left, family and all, and then we each said our goodbyes. I asked the others to leave me alone. I needed to do this alone, cause I knew I would cry. What did I do? I sobbed. I sobbed so loud that even though they moved to the back of the church, I knew they could hear me. I wanted to know why she wouldn't let me help her, comfort her. I wanted to know WHY someone with such potential could be eaten alive by something as evil as cancer at such a young age as 26. I cried and cried. Then I took an envelope out and I put it inside her casket and we left. Inside the envelope was a piece of paper. On the paper were the lyrics to that song...

Natalie: It's something unpredictable, but in the end its right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I really do hope she had the time of her life. Every time I hear that song now it has a huge new meaning to me. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, and though I have uttered those words a thousand times to a thousand people, young and old, I have never known the meaning of them till now. I want to enjoy every minute of my life. One little argument or a grudge held is not worth it. A frown on your face and a grumpy morning is not worth it. If I would have been in Natalie's shoes, with so little time, I would have wanted to make every single second count in every way possible... and not just for myself, but for the people around me.

If I learn anything at all from this, I hope that is it. I want to make my life count. I want to have the time of my life.

Sometimes, as a minister, people expect me to be a rock. Sometimes, I will be but, I will cry too.