Working in Albania for nearly two years now, I have begun to learn many interesting things about the people and their culture. As with any culture, there are great things, there are questionable things and there are terrible things. To a western mindset, many terrible things seem to stand out, and I have to constantly check myself, to make sure I am reacting in a Godly way and not just with my western mentality.
For example, lately I have been working in the Roma gypsy community with a church plant established by Youth With A Mission. I go there three days a week to teach young girls basic schooling. In the year(ish) I have been doing this work, I have had many opportunities to shake my head in frustration at the culture.
Many of you have followed the story of Raxhi, the young Christian Roma boy who was forced to marry. Although this situation is looking much better and we know God is going to help Raxhi to be a Godly husband, there are many others like him out there who don't even have the hope of Christ to hang on to.
Today was a very frustrating day for me. I work hard to prepare schoolwork for my girls, individually, so that they are all learning at their own pace and focusing on weaker areas. I spend hours in the morning getting ready and thinking about what will be best for each girl. Today after only 45 minutes, one of the girls in my class was pulled away by her mother. For what? Because she needed to clean the house. You see, for a 13 year old Roma girl, cleaning the house is not helping mom out once in a while. It is you JOB, your responsibility, your whole life. If you are not good at cleaning your house, then you will not be a good wife one day and you will never get married, which in the Roma culture is utter failure for a woman.
I see girls in that area who have never been respected (even just as people) in their whole lives. They run around the streets as children, wild and doing what they please. When they get a little older, they are take into the house as slaves, and often times not let outside, for fear that they might talk to a boy and taint their reputation. Then, often, once they start their periods, they are married off to the guy who's family can pay the highest price.
When I see my girl get pulled out of class, where I strive to give them HOPE for life through Biblical and school teachings, it hurts because I see her being lassoed right back into her culture. To her, it is a sulky moment, cause she would have rather stayed at school for a little while longer. To me it is the demise of not only a people group, but the lives of people who are individuals and have value in Gods eyes.
It is hard to look at a culture like this and not judge them. Truthfully, I have to renew my mind every day in this area. However, I do hope and pray that God will continue to use me amongst the Romas and the Albanians to break cultural barriers that keep people from knowing His love and how much He values them. If that means I get only 45 minutes three times a week with these girls, then I am going to pray that He shows me how to use that time to the utmost, because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what culture or racism says, these people have a tremendous value in God's eyes. These people have been bought with a price. A high price. In fact, the exact same price God paid for all mankind. Who are we to write them off?
Thanks for reading.
Julie
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
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Tuesday, October 2, 2012
October 2, 2012: Freedom
As a missionary living in a foreign country, I see many things that go against what I know to be culture. Here in Albania, things I see on a day to day basis can be very different to things I would see daily back home. I come from a culture of "freedom", a culture that has fought to have and protect its lifestyle of freedom for decades and been proud of it. I come from a place where freedom is our motto, yet I now live in a place that seems so backwards when it comes to freedom.
Albania survived a 50 year communist rule and has been "free" from that for over 20 years now. However, as an outsider looking in, it is easy to see the ways that communism still controls this land and its people today. For example, I teach 11-14 year girls basic schooling three days a week. I teach them reading, writing, Bible, math and art. Aside from the obvious differences of the way a Roma gypsy girl is supposed to dress and act, it is particularly during our art classes that I see the remains of communism still dictating the decisions of girls who were born after its fall in their nation. When I give these 5 girls a simple coloring page, time after time I see 4 of them wait as the oldest one begins to choose how to color in her page. Little by little the remaining four begin to copy the coloring EXACTLY as the first one has done it. Time and time again I have asked/pleaded with/bribed the girls to use their OWN imagination. I have even offered higher than possible grades for the most original and on one occasion dealt out a "zero" grade to copiers. However, even as they are learning to use their own minds, they severely struggle to break free from the ease that comes from copying someone else, from being meek and helpless followers of one who dictates their lives The root of this is in communism and the way that people lived scared for their safety if they stood out from the "norm". The big problem I see in all of this is that these girls have never lived under communism at all. Their parents and grandparents would have, so how strong is the hold of this thing if it can influence the lives even of those born after its fall? This is not freedom...
So, I find myself asking, what IS freedom?
I suppose the definition of this word can be very broad. For example, if you were a prisoner for 40 years, you would consider a nice apartment and a decent job a huge freedom. However, if you are stuck in a rut in your career and find yourself pushing just to get out of bed each day because you cannot stand the thought of another day doing the same old thing, then freedom might mean something completely different to you.
For the purpose of this blog, I am going to define this word from a Biblical point of view. I also want to challenge the typical western view of "freedom", and I want to question how free anyone really is.
What is "freedom"? What is this word? Nations are currently fighting bloodied battles over it, but do we REALLY know what it means? And based on the answer to that, does anyone know what they are really fighting for?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Freedom as this: the quality or state of being free as in:
A. the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action
B. liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another
....
When I look at the first definition (A) given by Webster, I applaud the writers for getting it exactly right. This is the precise worldly definition of what we tend to think freedom should be. It seems we have come to live in a world where an individual should be able to do, say, think and act as they want (even as far as hurting themselves physically, emotionally or spiritually) and no one should say or think anything about it, because he/she should be granted the freedom to do/live as they please regardless of the outcome. This, to me, seems a bit of a sad place to have landed in the process of social evolution. Why???
Well, let's apply this idea to some of the situations you or your family may have faced or may one day face. Imagine, the average person goes to school, gets a job, gets married and starts a family. When you have that first baby, you are extra careful to do everything just right because you do not want to do anything that may harm that baby in any way. If he/she walks towards a pot of boiling water with arms outstretched, full of curiosity and ready to touch, you will quickly move Heaven and earth to make sure that the baby does not hurt him/her self.
However, when we apply the laws that society has begun to enforce among us, things begin to dramatically change. We now live in a society that bans several different forms of punishment a parent may administer to a child. So, when that baby reaches for something that might hurt them, you as a parent have to think twice about how to react. Can you quickly grab the baby and slap their little hand to teach them that they cannot do such things? In many places you cannot. The baby has the right to touch the scalding water is he/she pleases. The parent then chooses whether to lose their baby to CPS because they were burned with scalding water OR because they got caught spanking their baby in a state that bans such discipline.
I know this is a bit of an extreme example, but I am trying hard to point out a harsh truth. Do we, Americans/western cultures, REALLY understand freedom? Let's look at it from some other points.
Here in Albania, and I am sure in many other countries like it, it is easy to point out flaws and "non-freedoms". For example, a woman is always expected to serve the men in her house (husband/father/brothers) because in this culture males are higher beings than females. It would be silly of her to ask why she is to be the one cleaning the house while her brother is out playing with his friends and doing as he pleases. It would be silly for her to ask this question because in her culture the answer is simple: You are a girl. It is very easy to look at a situation like this, point and say "THAT is NOT freedom". However, how much freedom do we as Westerners really have? I am beginning to realize we do not have nearly as much as we think we have.
I remember when I lived as an average twenty something in the states. I spent all my time working, thinking about career opportunities and worrying about how to pay the bills. I was not free. I was in a rut and I was miserable most of the time. Many people look at America and want to go there so they can have our freedom. I encounter many of them here in Albania, and when I ask they what kind of freedom they want, or how they think their life will be different in America, every time the answer is material possessions. They want the beautiful home with the swimming pool, the fancy car the loads of money. Nearly every week I am approached by someone who fantasizes about living the "American Dream". They even use those very words. However, when I think about how their life will actually be in the states, it seems more likely to me that they will be a slave to several jobs for a long time before they see any sort of financial freedom. Even beyond that, today I dare to question, IS financial freedom all we really need? Or is there more? Let's look into the possibilities together...
Mr. Smith is a successful business man in his late 50s. He has everything his mind and body could think to desire. He has a beautiful wife of many years, who has kept herself looking trophy-like through various operations. He has a son who has graduated from Harvard Law and is successfully suing the pants off of anyone he can find, all while paying off his OWN student loans. He has one daughter who is finishing her masters in business and political science, who he has high hopes of leaving his company to one day, that is if she doesn't run for public office as is HER dream. He has a large home, spacious enough for any amount of guests and any size party event. His second home is hidden away next to some sort of body of water and he enjoys vacationing there from time to time to relax. However, last month Mr. Smith's beautiful wife decided to surprise him at the "lake house" and brought the kids down to enjoy the weekend together as a family. It turned out to be a surprise indeed, as his family discovered him in full on relations with his hired mistress for the afternoon. Now, the truth is beginning to come out about the porn addiction that Mr Smith has entertained for a little over 45 years now and how from time to time, that leads him to seek out new and exciting ways of entertaining himself. Now Mr. Smith has lost his wife of many years, along with the respect of the community and his children. Is Mr. Smith really living in freedom? Or is he bound to something so powerful that no amount of money can set him free?
Ok, I will admit to you that Mr. Smith is a fictitious character and I made him up for the purposes of this blog. However, how many of you know a person like Mr. Smith? Male or female, sex addiction has no boundaries. Maybe you ARE Mr. Smith. We are all human and all fall prey to the temptation of lust and sexual immorality. But do we HAVE to? If we choose to live in Webster's "A" definition, then by all means, live free and talk yourself out of your immoral decisions. It is not a hard thing to do. Many Christians even live this way, creating excuses like "God's grace covers me through it all", or "I know its wrong, but its so natural and everyone has needs... will this really send me to hell?" The answer is no, it will likely not send you to hell (the sexual immorality in itself), but let me ask you this: ARE YOU FREE?
I could go into all sorts of sin and selfish living examples that would pose the same question: Are we really free? Are we hiding secrets from those around us that eat us away from the inside out, because we know if they come out they could destroy all or parts of our very lives? Is this true freedom?
Let's look at the brilliant Mr. Webster's "B" definition of "Freedom"...
Liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another
Are you really in control of your life? Or are there parts of it that lay in the hands of another person, entity or addiction? Are you free enough to say that your work does not define you, or are you so determined to have that "American Dream" we all talk about, that you will sell out who you really are to work 80 hour weeks to support your need for "stuff"? There are many obvious addictions in the world today. Sex/drugs/alcohol/abusiveness etc. However, when we truly question our own lives, will we find that we are addicted to things that have never seemed so big? Are you addicted to personal belongings and maintaining a certain financial status quo? Do you feel like if you have a 20 year old car in the driveway because it is gas sufficient, that your neighbors will think less of you? Or is it more about how you look when you show up at work? Do you have to have the latest and greatest labels and designer clothes/accessories? Or, maybe it is about how you look when you pull up into the church parking lot on a Sunday morning. Surely everyone will know how great your life is if you pull up in your just detailed, next year's model Escalade? Surely if you present yourself well from the very moment you pull into the parking lot, no one will see the you inside who is slowly dying from lack of self worth. They also will not see the you crying out in desperation for change, and they most certainly will never guess that just last night as your spouse and kids were fast asleep, you very seriously considered suicide. No, no... if you present yourself well... wrap up that outer package with things that make life look 110%, then people will not know the really you. The you that is TRAPPED....
Oh...wait. That can't be freedom, now can it?
You see, as Christians I have found many different freedoms in Christ and His love and His sacrifice for me. I have found freedom from the sins that held me down. I have found the freedom to live my life as the ME he created me to be, rather than following the beaten path. I have also, many many many times, lost that freedom and felt hopeless in the midst of everything, even living out my dreams. You see the true definition of freedom is not what is written in Websters at all. It is lifestyle. It is in the fight. In Galatians chapter 5 we are advised to get free and STAY FREE.
Galatians 5:1 (NLT): So Christ has truly set us free. Now, make sure you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.
Galatians 5:1 (MSG): Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
Freedom is about a constant lifestyle of fighting to keep the freedom Christ has won for us. Our bodies, our minds, our will and emotions will try to take us the way of the world and we will want to copy the world. In the same way it seems easier for my school girls to copy their drawings off of each other, for a Christian the worlds paths, culture and way of doing things will often seem more attractive in certain moments. We are human beings striving to be closer to a Heavenly Father. He wants to embrace us. Will we let him? Or will we hide?
This is not about who's culture is better, more evolved or even more free. This is about the culture of Christianity and where our boundaries are set in the world we live in. This is about the culture of Christianity and the bloodline that was bought with a high price... the life of the only God-man who ever walked this earth. This is about the culture of Christianity and warring for it, because it is precious and priceless. This is about us, and WE are precious and priceless to the Father God. He wants more for us than just leading lives of secret shame. He wants to burst through the walls that pain, shame and sin have built in our lives, whether it is sin we have committed or whether it is sins committed against us. This is about the culture of Christianity and deciding whether or not we believe He sees a value in us. This is about the culture of Christianity and whether or not we deem HIM worthy of the sacrifice of our very lives. This is about Freedom. True Freedom.
Thanks for reading,
Julie
Albania survived a 50 year communist rule and has been "free" from that for over 20 years now. However, as an outsider looking in, it is easy to see the ways that communism still controls this land and its people today. For example, I teach 11-14 year girls basic schooling three days a week. I teach them reading, writing, Bible, math and art. Aside from the obvious differences of the way a Roma gypsy girl is supposed to dress and act, it is particularly during our art classes that I see the remains of communism still dictating the decisions of girls who were born after its fall in their nation. When I give these 5 girls a simple coloring page, time after time I see 4 of them wait as the oldest one begins to choose how to color in her page. Little by little the remaining four begin to copy the coloring EXACTLY as the first one has done it. Time and time again I have asked/pleaded with/bribed the girls to use their OWN imagination. I have even offered higher than possible grades for the most original and on one occasion dealt out a "zero" grade to copiers. However, even as they are learning to use their own minds, they severely struggle to break free from the ease that comes from copying someone else, from being meek and helpless followers of one who dictates their lives The root of this is in communism and the way that people lived scared for their safety if they stood out from the "norm". The big problem I see in all of this is that these girls have never lived under communism at all. Their parents and grandparents would have, so how strong is the hold of this thing if it can influence the lives even of those born after its fall? This is not freedom...
So, I find myself asking, what IS freedom?
I suppose the definition of this word can be very broad. For example, if you were a prisoner for 40 years, you would consider a nice apartment and a decent job a huge freedom. However, if you are stuck in a rut in your career and find yourself pushing just to get out of bed each day because you cannot stand the thought of another day doing the same old thing, then freedom might mean something completely different to you.
For the purpose of this blog, I am going to define this word from a Biblical point of view. I also want to challenge the typical western view of "freedom", and I want to question how free anyone really is.
What is "freedom"? What is this word? Nations are currently fighting bloodied battles over it, but do we REALLY know what it means? And based on the answer to that, does anyone know what they are really fighting for?
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines Freedom as this: the quality or state of being free as in:
A. the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action
B. liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another
....
When I look at the first definition (A) given by Webster, I applaud the writers for getting it exactly right. This is the precise worldly definition of what we tend to think freedom should be. It seems we have come to live in a world where an individual should be able to do, say, think and act as they want (even as far as hurting themselves physically, emotionally or spiritually) and no one should say or think anything about it, because he/she should be granted the freedom to do/live as they please regardless of the outcome. This, to me, seems a bit of a sad place to have landed in the process of social evolution. Why???
Well, let's apply this idea to some of the situations you or your family may have faced or may one day face. Imagine, the average person goes to school, gets a job, gets married and starts a family. When you have that first baby, you are extra careful to do everything just right because you do not want to do anything that may harm that baby in any way. If he/she walks towards a pot of boiling water with arms outstretched, full of curiosity and ready to touch, you will quickly move Heaven and earth to make sure that the baby does not hurt him/her self.
However, when we apply the laws that society has begun to enforce among us, things begin to dramatically change. We now live in a society that bans several different forms of punishment a parent may administer to a child. So, when that baby reaches for something that might hurt them, you as a parent have to think twice about how to react. Can you quickly grab the baby and slap their little hand to teach them that they cannot do such things? In many places you cannot. The baby has the right to touch the scalding water is he/she pleases. The parent then chooses whether to lose their baby to CPS because they were burned with scalding water OR because they got caught spanking their baby in a state that bans such discipline.
I know this is a bit of an extreme example, but I am trying hard to point out a harsh truth. Do we, Americans/western cultures, REALLY understand freedom? Let's look at it from some other points.
Here in Albania, and I am sure in many other countries like it, it is easy to point out flaws and "non-freedoms". For example, a woman is always expected to serve the men in her house (husband/father/brothers) because in this culture males are higher beings than females. It would be silly of her to ask why she is to be the one cleaning the house while her brother is out playing with his friends and doing as he pleases. It would be silly for her to ask this question because in her culture the answer is simple: You are a girl. It is very easy to look at a situation like this, point and say "THAT is NOT freedom". However, how much freedom do we as Westerners really have? I am beginning to realize we do not have nearly as much as we think we have.
I remember when I lived as an average twenty something in the states. I spent all my time working, thinking about career opportunities and worrying about how to pay the bills. I was not free. I was in a rut and I was miserable most of the time. Many people look at America and want to go there so they can have our freedom. I encounter many of them here in Albania, and when I ask they what kind of freedom they want, or how they think their life will be different in America, every time the answer is material possessions. They want the beautiful home with the swimming pool, the fancy car the loads of money. Nearly every week I am approached by someone who fantasizes about living the "American Dream". They even use those very words. However, when I think about how their life will actually be in the states, it seems more likely to me that they will be a slave to several jobs for a long time before they see any sort of financial freedom. Even beyond that, today I dare to question, IS financial freedom all we really need? Or is there more? Let's look into the possibilities together...
Mr. Smith is a successful business man in his late 50s. He has everything his mind and body could think to desire. He has a beautiful wife of many years, who has kept herself looking trophy-like through various operations. He has a son who has graduated from Harvard Law and is successfully suing the pants off of anyone he can find, all while paying off his OWN student loans. He has one daughter who is finishing her masters in business and political science, who he has high hopes of leaving his company to one day, that is if she doesn't run for public office as is HER dream. He has a large home, spacious enough for any amount of guests and any size party event. His second home is hidden away next to some sort of body of water and he enjoys vacationing there from time to time to relax. However, last month Mr. Smith's beautiful wife decided to surprise him at the "lake house" and brought the kids down to enjoy the weekend together as a family. It turned out to be a surprise indeed, as his family discovered him in full on relations with his hired mistress for the afternoon. Now, the truth is beginning to come out about the porn addiction that Mr Smith has entertained for a little over 45 years now and how from time to time, that leads him to seek out new and exciting ways of entertaining himself. Now Mr. Smith has lost his wife of many years, along with the respect of the community and his children. Is Mr. Smith really living in freedom? Or is he bound to something so powerful that no amount of money can set him free?
Ok, I will admit to you that Mr. Smith is a fictitious character and I made him up for the purposes of this blog. However, how many of you know a person like Mr. Smith? Male or female, sex addiction has no boundaries. Maybe you ARE Mr. Smith. We are all human and all fall prey to the temptation of lust and sexual immorality. But do we HAVE to? If we choose to live in Webster's "A" definition, then by all means, live free and talk yourself out of your immoral decisions. It is not a hard thing to do. Many Christians even live this way, creating excuses like "God's grace covers me through it all", or "I know its wrong, but its so natural and everyone has needs... will this really send me to hell?" The answer is no, it will likely not send you to hell (the sexual immorality in itself), but let me ask you this: ARE YOU FREE?
I could go into all sorts of sin and selfish living examples that would pose the same question: Are we really free? Are we hiding secrets from those around us that eat us away from the inside out, because we know if they come out they could destroy all or parts of our very lives? Is this true freedom?
Let's look at the brilliant Mr. Webster's "B" definition of "Freedom"...
Liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another
Are you really in control of your life? Or are there parts of it that lay in the hands of another person, entity or addiction? Are you free enough to say that your work does not define you, or are you so determined to have that "American Dream" we all talk about, that you will sell out who you really are to work 80 hour weeks to support your need for "stuff"? There are many obvious addictions in the world today. Sex/drugs/alcohol/abusiveness etc. However, when we truly question our own lives, will we find that we are addicted to things that have never seemed so big? Are you addicted to personal belongings and maintaining a certain financial status quo? Do you feel like if you have a 20 year old car in the driveway because it is gas sufficient, that your neighbors will think less of you? Or is it more about how you look when you show up at work? Do you have to have the latest and greatest labels and designer clothes/accessories? Or, maybe it is about how you look when you pull up into the church parking lot on a Sunday morning. Surely everyone will know how great your life is if you pull up in your just detailed, next year's model Escalade? Surely if you present yourself well from the very moment you pull into the parking lot, no one will see the you inside who is slowly dying from lack of self worth. They also will not see the you crying out in desperation for change, and they most certainly will never guess that just last night as your spouse and kids were fast asleep, you very seriously considered suicide. No, no... if you present yourself well... wrap up that outer package with things that make life look 110%, then people will not know the really you. The you that is TRAPPED....
Oh...wait. That can't be freedom, now can it?
You see, as Christians I have found many different freedoms in Christ and His love and His sacrifice for me. I have found freedom from the sins that held me down. I have found the freedom to live my life as the ME he created me to be, rather than following the beaten path. I have also, many many many times, lost that freedom and felt hopeless in the midst of everything, even living out my dreams. You see the true definition of freedom is not what is written in Websters at all. It is lifestyle. It is in the fight. In Galatians chapter 5 we are advised to get free and STAY FREE.
Galatians 5:1 (NLT): So Christ has truly set us free. Now, make sure you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.
Galatians 5:1 (MSG): Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
Freedom is about a constant lifestyle of fighting to keep the freedom Christ has won for us. Our bodies, our minds, our will and emotions will try to take us the way of the world and we will want to copy the world. In the same way it seems easier for my school girls to copy their drawings off of each other, for a Christian the worlds paths, culture and way of doing things will often seem more attractive in certain moments. We are human beings striving to be closer to a Heavenly Father. He wants to embrace us. Will we let him? Or will we hide?
This is not about who's culture is better, more evolved or even more free. This is about the culture of Christianity and where our boundaries are set in the world we live in. This is about the culture of Christianity and the bloodline that was bought with a high price... the life of the only God-man who ever walked this earth. This is about the culture of Christianity and warring for it, because it is precious and priceless. This is about us, and WE are precious and priceless to the Father God. He wants more for us than just leading lives of secret shame. He wants to burst through the walls that pain, shame and sin have built in our lives, whether it is sin we have committed or whether it is sins committed against us. This is about the culture of Christianity and deciding whether or not we believe He sees a value in us. This is about the culture of Christianity and whether or not we deem HIM worthy of the sacrifice of our very lives. This is about Freedom. True Freedom.
Thanks for reading,
Julie
Sunday, August 26, 2012
August 26, 2012
2 Corinthians 5:17- This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
Ezekiel 26:36- I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 26:36- I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Romans 6:4- We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
Revelation 21:5- He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Today, just outside of Elbasan, Albania, at river rushing with life, I gave myself again to God. Today, August 26, 2012 I was baptized. I know what you are probably thinking. Why is she getting baptized AFTER having been a missionary for all this time. Why hasn't she been baptized yet?
The truth behind it all is very simple. I have been baptized once before at the age of 6 or 7 (I really don't remember), in a church called Bethany Church in White Settlement, Texas. I loved going to church there and my parents put me in a course about baptism, at the end of which every child in the course would be water baptized.
Having spent some serious time in prayer and study over the past year on the subject of baptism, I began to remember my own baptism, and realized that I had not even asked Jesus to be my savior when that happened, I just did it because it was a class my mom and dad put me in. So, I began to desire to be baptized again. I took a year to pray and think about it, while studying the word, and decided to do it again, and what better time or place than here with the people I love in the nation I adore?
Therefore, today I took a step that could have been taken the wrong way by many people, and I gave myself fully to God by my own will through the symbolic gesture of water baptism. I can truly say that God has done a new thing in me. I am excited about the things He has called me to do here in Albania, but I am also very excited about the fact that while He ministers to other through me, He also continues to grow my relationship with Him in ways I could have never predicted.
I want to thank all the people who were there with me today to celebrate our god and His majesty in our lives. There is one who stands out amongst the group who has been by my side through good and bad and even very bad. She has been a rock and the friend any person would hope to have. She is one of a kind and I love her dearly. Thank you Kerri, for being there with me today and standing by my side through it all. So cool to have a rock star with pink hair do my baptism!
Thanks for reading,
Julie
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
July 30, 2012
In Loving Memory
What to say about the past few months? I think they have been very challenging, but in an especially difficult kind of way. Sure, over the years, I have lost more people tragically than I care to recount here, but that does not change the hurt caused by and time needed to heal from yet another tragedy.
I have no idea why today, of all days, I have chosen to finally sit down and put my thoughts down in writing. I could and really should be doing other things, like sorting through pictures and video of the Vacation Bible School the church is running this week and making a presentation for parents to see at the end of the week. It could be that thoughts and emotions have been piling up for too long now, and a particular picture I saw on Facebook today was the last straw. I will vent, relive and hopefully bring a well rounded thought to this tragedy that has recently been experienced and what good, if any, we can take from it.
It was a normal Monday in May. My roommate and I had gone out for a coffee and some friend time because it was our day off. We went to our normal hang out, in the hopes of getting to chat with one of the waiters that we have been trying to get to come to church. As we are sitting, enjoying our coffee and discussing different things, Kerri gets a phone call from our pastor's wife saying that there was an accident with students going to Sarande (a city in the south of Albania known for its beautiful beaches). She explained that the bus had been from the university in Elbasan (the city we live in) and reminded us that some of our university aged girls were on a bus on their way to Sarande with the university.
We immediately asked the waiter to change the TV station to the news. What we saw will be forever etched in my mind. The news here in Albania does not tend to censor tragedies, so if they can get a picture of an accident, blood and all, it will be on TV. Here are some pictures from the news coverage:
At that point, all we knew was that there were about 10 deaths and many injured, but it would be a long time before we would get any solid, reliable information. We knew there were two girls from our church on that bus, Elidona and Dorina. We called Dorina's rommates to see if they had heard anything, and they were in tears, so we left the coffee shop and went to stay with them.
As the hours went by, we hugged the girls, comforted one another and waited with telephones in every hand with the hope of hearing SOMETHING. Finally, one of the girls got a call from someone who said there would be a list of the victims at the University. So, we all went together to see if we could find some news about our missing girls.
Once at the university, we quickly realized that the information we had obtained was false and there was no news or list at the University, but only photo hungry media. We waited there for a while, in the hopes that someone there would have news. Other students came by the masses and some even began lighting candles on the steps of the University:
If you look closely at this picture, you can find my bright bleach blonde head on the right side top, along with Kerri in her pink shirt.
After a while, we decided it would be better for the girls to wait at home, because there were too many people and too many pushy news media at the University. So, we began the walk home, but instead decided to go to our pastor's house to stay because we had met up with his wife at the University. It would be a better central ground for all of us to watch the news together. In this time, Kerri and I needed to go home and get cell phone chargers because our batteries were dead from trying to keep in contact with so many people and trying to find information. We left the girls with the pastor's wife (Rudina) and ran home quickly. While we were at home, I got a phone call from Rudina saying that they had heard news that Dorina was alive and in a hospital in Vlore (a city in the south). This was AMAZING news and I quickly told Kerri and a few others who had asked us to keep them informed. This was a huge weight off of us, but we were still concerned because we had not heard news for Elidona. We grabbed our chargers and went to Rudina's house to watch the news with her family and the girls.
By this time we had already been left to wonder for hours who might be among the dead and injured. We were thankful to have heard the news of Dorina, but we were still very worried for Elidona. As the hours continued to pass, our pastor, Ilir, began to make phone calls to people who might be there. He managed to get in contact with a young man who worked with Campus Crusade for Christ here in Elbasan, and found out that they had a team of guys visiting the injured in the Vlore hospital. Ilir asked if they could visit our Dornia and call us to tell us how she was. He said he would call us when they had seen her.
Another hour or so went by and Ilir called the guys again. He found out that they had been to the hospital and they had visited with Elidona. They said she was awake and did not have life threatening injuries. We were so happy to finally have the news that both of our girls were ok. It was like the whole room exhaled after having held our breath for hours. Ilir asked the guys again to go check on Dorina and let us know how she is doing. As we continued watching the news coverage, we noticed that Dorina's name was on the list of people who was in the Vlore hospital, but Elidona's name was never listed there. We began to wonder what was going on. We knew from more than one reliable source that friends of the girls and Ilir's had met with her and talked to her. We wondered why they never updated their lists on the news. Then, Ilir's phone rang...
I will never forget the look on his face, as if all the blood drained in an instant. We had known something wasn't right. The numbers and what the news was saying just didn't add up. The phone call Ilir received was to inform him that Elidona was in fact at the Vlore hospital. However, it seemed that Dorina was still missing. What had happened was a mix up in names. As Elidona was brought to the hospital, she was frantically searching for her best friend, calling out her name "Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa...". In the hustle and bustle of a large scale medical event, she was registered as Dorina. This is why her name was never listed on any of the news lists. She had been identified as someone else, the very girl we were now desperate to get information about.
In the hours since the tragedy, Dorina's family had driven hours and hours from the city of Kruja to the South of Albania to see their daughter/sister in the hospital.
Here are a couple pictures of Kruja, Albania:
When they got to Vlore, they were informed of the name mix up and asked to look at the bodies in the morgue. Thankfully, they didn't find Dorina there and were then told that there were still two girls in the hospital in Tirana who were unidentified. They rushed the hours back to Tirana.
The fact is that Dorina was one of the unidentified girls. However, she died on the operating table before her family got there.
We, at Ilir's house, had seen the update on the news that she had died. We cried together, and then decided (since it was 1 in the morning) that the girls needed to try to sleep. The next day would be a long, very hard one for all of us. You see, in Albanian tradition, the body of a person who dies will be buried within 24 hours. We knew the funeral would be the next day, and it would take time for us to travel to Kruja. So, we all decided to try to get some rest, and meet again in the morning for the trip to the funeral in Kruja.
Now is where I really want to caution my readers. I have toyed with the idea of censoring what we went through that day, but I just feel like it makes the whole thing a bit pointless if I don't tell it all. If you are sensitive to emotional events, please be warned, this is not a lighthearted story.
The Funeral:
I don't even really know where to begin with this part of the story. it was such a crazy mixed up and emotional day. Ilir had arranged a mini bus to take us to Kruja. Half way up the mountain to Kruja, Ilir got a phone call that the body that had been delivered to the house for the funeral was in fact the WRONG body. As if this family hadn't had enough drama and mix ups, they now had to open a casket, only to find a different young girl inside. Dorina's father handled the whole situation with grace and tact saying, "This is a beautiful young girl, but she is not my daughter."
So here we were, half way to Kruja and now questioning whether we would have a funeral or not. In the end it turned out Dorina's body had been delivered to Elbasan, and they quickly got the situation sorted out. When we arrived at the family's home, the body was there. The tradition in Albania is that everyone goes into the room to view the body. Then women stay in the room with the body and some of the female members of the family, while the males all hang out in a different location, in this instance outside.
I remember the feeling of hope I had when I heard that the body they delivered was not Dorina. After all the identification mix ups just hours before, a little spark of hope ignited in me that she might not be dead but just unaccounted for. That spark, however, was killed the moment I walked into the house. Even from the hallway leading up to the viewing room, I could see the body and knew immediately it was her. She looked like Dorina, and she looked like she had been through a terrible accident. Her teeth were broken, she had a giant black hold in her forehead. Seeing her that day was the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The females from our group remained in the viewing room for a few minutes, crying and wailing with the mourning family. I do not know if someone who has not been to this kind of funeral can understand what I mean by "wailing". In this culture, when someone dies, the family wails at the top of their lungs. At first it can seem like an exaggeration and a scary thing, but in the end I have decided that it might be better, in some ways, to be free to mourn rather than having people around who pressure you to "be strong" in a moment when strength is not natural. This I believe to be true only to the believer who can then come above the mourning and wailing and find God's face again, rather than falling into a depression. Even for those who choose to keep a strong attitude, this is easier said than done.
After a few minutes in the viewing room, the ladies from our church went together to another room to greet Dori's sister. This was one of the hardest parts of it all, because we have known and loved Dori's sister, Sejada, for a long time. To see her reaction to it all was difficult. She lost her baby sister, and while she showed a remarkable Christian strength, it was still a moment when no words were enough for any one of us to give to her. What can you do in this situation? I am always so thankful for the advice of a long time mentor. He used to always say, "Laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry.". In the very moments following a tragedy such as this, there is no better advice. It is not a moment to preach or encourage. It is a moment to live out one of the emotions God created in us. The time comes later to comfort and encourage. This moment was one for mourning together. Even though we all knew Dori's strong Christian faith ensured us she was in Heaven, there is a process to something like this and the people left behind will need a moment to mourn their loss.
After the viewing and visiting with the sister, we walked outside to await the procession to the graveyard. Many people were there that day. Its amazing to see how many lives this wonderful girl had touched in one way or another.
We then went together down the mountain to Kruja's graveyard. For me, this was the most difficult part. As I watched people cover the casket with the earth, I couldn't help but want to apologize to my little Dorina for having to now throw dirt in her face. As ridiculous as it sounds, in this moment I felt like we were betraying her. I mean, how can we throw dirt on a face we love? How can we put her underground and walk away? It was a very emotional process for me, personally, as for many others in our group.
After the accident Kerri and I had many opportunities to share God and His enduring love in many ways. Sadly, we learned that Dorina was the only believer who died in the accident. 11 others died who did not believe. However, it is amazing the doors God opened through the tragedy. One example, the waiter we had been working on for so long finally came to church, even if it was just for the memorial service, it is a step in the right direction and we still hold out hope for him to grow in the things of God.
Sejada (Dori's sister) was baptized at this summer's youth camp in Pogradecs, and Keli (her brother) prayed a salvation prayer at the same camp. These are things that bring healing for those of us still grieving. For a long time, we have prayed for God to touch this family, and I believe that God is doing something in them as a family unit. I believe that He can use this tragedy to show Himself to them in a new way, and I am sure He has already begun this work.
There are many questions that people ask when tragedy like this arises. Thankfully (or not), having been through similar incidents before this, I was very well prepared to help those around me. I am thankful that God was able to use me, and I am sure that He will continue to use my experiences to touch people's lives in moments similar to this.
I know one thing for sure, God is good and His love for us is without end. I have come to the conclusion that death, especially due to tragedy, will never be something we can handle well. However, that being said, I would also like to point out that we do not look at death the way God does. I believe He has an infinite plan for each individual that will carry on, in a different way, even after death. For Him death is a new chapter in life. For us, it feel terrible and unexplainable, because we will not understand the depth of the real meaning of it until we ourselves experience it.
I will not lie, life has been very difficult since the accident. I can speak only for myself, but I will do so with 100% honesty. I have had ups and downs, and even today I have moments where I feel like I am losing it, emotionally. I think it will be a long road to healing for all of us, after a precious part of our church left us so suddenly and tragically. However, my hope lies in the One Who creates life. In the One Who gives and Who takes away. I know He is bigger than me and His thoughts are higher than mine... by FAR. Who am I to try and judge Him based on this?
No, this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.
I can't really say why I chose to write this blog now, other than it was about time I fully let go and shared with you all. Thanks for reading.
Julie
What to say about the past few months? I think they have been very challenging, but in an especially difficult kind of way. Sure, over the years, I have lost more people tragically than I care to recount here, but that does not change the hurt caused by and time needed to heal from yet another tragedy.
I have no idea why today, of all days, I have chosen to finally sit down and put my thoughts down in writing. I could and really should be doing other things, like sorting through pictures and video of the Vacation Bible School the church is running this week and making a presentation for parents to see at the end of the week. It could be that thoughts and emotions have been piling up for too long now, and a particular picture I saw on Facebook today was the last straw. I will vent, relive and hopefully bring a well rounded thought to this tragedy that has recently been experienced and what good, if any, we can take from it.
It was a normal Monday in May. My roommate and I had gone out for a coffee and some friend time because it was our day off. We went to our normal hang out, in the hopes of getting to chat with one of the waiters that we have been trying to get to come to church. As we are sitting, enjoying our coffee and discussing different things, Kerri gets a phone call from our pastor's wife saying that there was an accident with students going to Sarande (a city in the south of Albania known for its beautiful beaches). She explained that the bus had been from the university in Elbasan (the city we live in) and reminded us that some of our university aged girls were on a bus on their way to Sarande with the university.
We immediately asked the waiter to change the TV station to the news. What we saw will be forever etched in my mind. The news here in Albania does not tend to censor tragedies, so if they can get a picture of an accident, blood and all, it will be on TV. Here are some pictures from the news coverage:
At that point, all we knew was that there were about 10 deaths and many injured, but it would be a long time before we would get any solid, reliable information. We knew there were two girls from our church on that bus, Elidona and Dorina. We called Dorina's rommates to see if they had heard anything, and they were in tears, so we left the coffee shop and went to stay with them.
As the hours went by, we hugged the girls, comforted one another and waited with telephones in every hand with the hope of hearing SOMETHING. Finally, one of the girls got a call from someone who said there would be a list of the victims at the University. So, we all went together to see if we could find some news about our missing girls.
Once at the university, we quickly realized that the information we had obtained was false and there was no news or list at the University, but only photo hungry media. We waited there for a while, in the hopes that someone there would have news. Other students came by the masses and some even began lighting candles on the steps of the University:
If you look closely at this picture, you can find my bright bleach blonde head on the right side top, along with Kerri in her pink shirt.
After a while, we decided it would be better for the girls to wait at home, because there were too many people and too many pushy news media at the University. So, we began the walk home, but instead decided to go to our pastor's house to stay because we had met up with his wife at the University. It would be a better central ground for all of us to watch the news together. In this time, Kerri and I needed to go home and get cell phone chargers because our batteries were dead from trying to keep in contact with so many people and trying to find information. We left the girls with the pastor's wife (Rudina) and ran home quickly. While we were at home, I got a phone call from Rudina saying that they had heard news that Dorina was alive and in a hospital in Vlore (a city in the south). This was AMAZING news and I quickly told Kerri and a few others who had asked us to keep them informed. This was a huge weight off of us, but we were still concerned because we had not heard news for Elidona. We grabbed our chargers and went to Rudina's house to watch the news with her family and the girls.
By this time we had already been left to wonder for hours who might be among the dead and injured. We were thankful to have heard the news of Dorina, but we were still very worried for Elidona. As the hours continued to pass, our pastor, Ilir, began to make phone calls to people who might be there. He managed to get in contact with a young man who worked with Campus Crusade for Christ here in Elbasan, and found out that they had a team of guys visiting the injured in the Vlore hospital. Ilir asked if they could visit our Dornia and call us to tell us how she was. He said he would call us when they had seen her.
Another hour or so went by and Ilir called the guys again. He found out that they had been to the hospital and they had visited with Elidona. They said she was awake and did not have life threatening injuries. We were so happy to finally have the news that both of our girls were ok. It was like the whole room exhaled after having held our breath for hours. Ilir asked the guys again to go check on Dorina and let us know how she is doing. As we continued watching the news coverage, we noticed that Dorina's name was on the list of people who was in the Vlore hospital, but Elidona's name was never listed there. We began to wonder what was going on. We knew from more than one reliable source that friends of the girls and Ilir's had met with her and talked to her. We wondered why they never updated their lists on the news. Then, Ilir's phone rang...
I will never forget the look on his face, as if all the blood drained in an instant. We had known something wasn't right. The numbers and what the news was saying just didn't add up. The phone call Ilir received was to inform him that Elidona was in fact at the Vlore hospital. However, it seemed that Dorina was still missing. What had happened was a mix up in names. As Elidona was brought to the hospital, she was frantically searching for her best friend, calling out her name "Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa, Dorina Stafa...". In the hustle and bustle of a large scale medical event, she was registered as Dorina. This is why her name was never listed on any of the news lists. She had been identified as someone else, the very girl we were now desperate to get information about.
In the hours since the tragedy, Dorina's family had driven hours and hours from the city of Kruja to the South of Albania to see their daughter/sister in the hospital.
Here are a couple pictures of Kruja, Albania:
When they got to Vlore, they were informed of the name mix up and asked to look at the bodies in the morgue. Thankfully, they didn't find Dorina there and were then told that there were still two girls in the hospital in Tirana who were unidentified. They rushed the hours back to Tirana.
The fact is that Dorina was one of the unidentified girls. However, she died on the operating table before her family got there.
We, at Ilir's house, had seen the update on the news that she had died. We cried together, and then decided (since it was 1 in the morning) that the girls needed to try to sleep. The next day would be a long, very hard one for all of us. You see, in Albanian tradition, the body of a person who dies will be buried within 24 hours. We knew the funeral would be the next day, and it would take time for us to travel to Kruja. So, we all decided to try to get some rest, and meet again in the morning for the trip to the funeral in Kruja.
Now is where I really want to caution my readers. I have toyed with the idea of censoring what we went through that day, but I just feel like it makes the whole thing a bit pointless if I don't tell it all. If you are sensitive to emotional events, please be warned, this is not a lighthearted story.
The Funeral:
I don't even really know where to begin with this part of the story. it was such a crazy mixed up and emotional day. Ilir had arranged a mini bus to take us to Kruja. Half way up the mountain to Kruja, Ilir got a phone call that the body that had been delivered to the house for the funeral was in fact the WRONG body. As if this family hadn't had enough drama and mix ups, they now had to open a casket, only to find a different young girl inside. Dorina's father handled the whole situation with grace and tact saying, "This is a beautiful young girl, but she is not my daughter."
So here we were, half way to Kruja and now questioning whether we would have a funeral or not. In the end it turned out Dorina's body had been delivered to Elbasan, and they quickly got the situation sorted out. When we arrived at the family's home, the body was there. The tradition in Albania is that everyone goes into the room to view the body. Then women stay in the room with the body and some of the female members of the family, while the males all hang out in a different location, in this instance outside.
I remember the feeling of hope I had when I heard that the body they delivered was not Dorina. After all the identification mix ups just hours before, a little spark of hope ignited in me that she might not be dead but just unaccounted for. That spark, however, was killed the moment I walked into the house. Even from the hallway leading up to the viewing room, I could see the body and knew immediately it was her. She looked like Dorina, and she looked like she had been through a terrible accident. Her teeth were broken, she had a giant black hold in her forehead. Seeing her that day was the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The females from our group remained in the viewing room for a few minutes, crying and wailing with the mourning family. I do not know if someone who has not been to this kind of funeral can understand what I mean by "wailing". In this culture, when someone dies, the family wails at the top of their lungs. At first it can seem like an exaggeration and a scary thing, but in the end I have decided that it might be better, in some ways, to be free to mourn rather than having people around who pressure you to "be strong" in a moment when strength is not natural. This I believe to be true only to the believer who can then come above the mourning and wailing and find God's face again, rather than falling into a depression. Even for those who choose to keep a strong attitude, this is easier said than done.
After a few minutes in the viewing room, the ladies from our church went together to another room to greet Dori's sister. This was one of the hardest parts of it all, because we have known and loved Dori's sister, Sejada, for a long time. To see her reaction to it all was difficult. She lost her baby sister, and while she showed a remarkable Christian strength, it was still a moment when no words were enough for any one of us to give to her. What can you do in this situation? I am always so thankful for the advice of a long time mentor. He used to always say, "Laugh with those who laugh and cry with those who cry.". In the very moments following a tragedy such as this, there is no better advice. It is not a moment to preach or encourage. It is a moment to live out one of the emotions God created in us. The time comes later to comfort and encourage. This moment was one for mourning together. Even though we all knew Dori's strong Christian faith ensured us she was in Heaven, there is a process to something like this and the people left behind will need a moment to mourn their loss.
After the viewing and visiting with the sister, we walked outside to await the procession to the graveyard. Many people were there that day. Its amazing to see how many lives this wonderful girl had touched in one way or another.
We then went together down the mountain to Kruja's graveyard. For me, this was the most difficult part. As I watched people cover the casket with the earth, I couldn't help but want to apologize to my little Dorina for having to now throw dirt in her face. As ridiculous as it sounds, in this moment I felt like we were betraying her. I mean, how can we throw dirt on a face we love? How can we put her underground and walk away? It was a very emotional process for me, personally, as for many others in our group.
After the accident Kerri and I had many opportunities to share God and His enduring love in many ways. Sadly, we learned that Dorina was the only believer who died in the accident. 11 others died who did not believe. However, it is amazing the doors God opened through the tragedy. One example, the waiter we had been working on for so long finally came to church, even if it was just for the memorial service, it is a step in the right direction and we still hold out hope for him to grow in the things of God.
Sejada (Dori's sister) was baptized at this summer's youth camp in Pogradecs, and Keli (her brother) prayed a salvation prayer at the same camp. These are things that bring healing for those of us still grieving. For a long time, we have prayed for God to touch this family, and I believe that God is doing something in them as a family unit. I believe that He can use this tragedy to show Himself to them in a new way, and I am sure He has already begun this work.
There are many questions that people ask when tragedy like this arises. Thankfully (or not), having been through similar incidents before this, I was very well prepared to help those around me. I am thankful that God was able to use me, and I am sure that He will continue to use my experiences to touch people's lives in moments similar to this.
I know one thing for sure, God is good and His love for us is without end. I have come to the conclusion that death, especially due to tragedy, will never be something we can handle well. However, that being said, I would also like to point out that we do not look at death the way God does. I believe He has an infinite plan for each individual that will carry on, in a different way, even after death. For Him death is a new chapter in life. For us, it feel terrible and unexplainable, because we will not understand the depth of the real meaning of it until we ourselves experience it.
I will not lie, life has been very difficult since the accident. I can speak only for myself, but I will do so with 100% honesty. I have had ups and downs, and even today I have moments where I feel like I am losing it, emotionally. I think it will be a long road to healing for all of us, after a precious part of our church left us so suddenly and tragically. However, my hope lies in the One Who creates life. In the One Who gives and Who takes away. I know He is bigger than me and His thoughts are higher than mine... by FAR. Who am I to try and judge Him based on this?
No, this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.
A picture of Dori on her way to Sarande. This picture was taken not long before this very bus flew off a cliff and killed 12 people, including our beloved Dorina Stafa. She is pictured on the far right with her friend Elidona on the left.
I can't really say why I chose to write this blog now, other than it was about time I fully let go and shared with you all. Thanks for reading.
Julie
Saturday, April 28, 2012
What Are You Supporting?
Many times, as a long term missionary, there are emotions that arise that you must take control of. I am sure this happens in any profession, just because of different situations. Some of the things are easy to deal with and you move on. Sometimes, I have to see what God is trying to do in my life, and make the difficult decisions to change or seek God more in that area. All in all, I want to live a life closer to Christ, on the missions field or not.
I know without a doubt that God's plan for me in this time is Albania. If you don't believe me, then let me tell you how much He has changed me just in this last year. I have never been in a place where I felt like I was on the operating table for open-heart surgery more often than I am right now. That sounds like a terrible thing and, although it can be very uncomfortable at times, I am sure that in every situation God has taught me something new. He uses every day of my life to teach me how to be closer to Him. Sometimes, I feel like part of the reason He brought me here was to work on ME. Put that in your 5 fold ministry pipe and smoke it. It is a hard thing to accept that Missionaries, evangelists, pastors, preachers and teachers might need God in their life in the same way as the people they teach. However, one of the things I have learned is that God cannot minister THROUGH me until He has ministered TO me. And that will be a never ending process. Thankfully He is taking me one step at a time, higher in the things of His Kingdom, and teaching me little by little (through my own experiences in life) how to reach out to others in all circumstances.
Now, that being said, I want to take a moment to give you a bit of a ministry and financial update. First of all I will answer the EVER so asked question (often with a hint of criticism behind it): So, Julie, what DO you do in Albania?
The answer I want to give is this: "I lay around at the beach all day sipping Pina Coloadas and trying to find out exactly what angle of sunlight gives the most effective tan." However, since this is my sarcastic side and not AT ALL the Godly OR correct answer, I often try to refrain from teasing people with this sentence.
Ok, Ok, now that I got that out of the way, the real answer goes something like this:
It has not been easy coming to Albania with a plan to start a youth group, only to see that fall to bits and pieces for various reasons. When this happens, you feel as if you have given up your WHOLE life, moved across the world, trying to bring positive change in people's lives, and failed miserably. There isn't much worse of a feeling/emptiness. However, from what I have heard from other long term missionaries, my circumstance is not at all unusual, and in fact it has happened to many of them for various reasons. Sometimes, the plan you have when you come into long term missions doesn't work simply because when you live in one culture and build a plan for another, it rarely works out exactly how you planned it. Long term missionaries often times do not know from the beginning how culture differences can really effect communications and various other things causing what seems like an all together melt down.
Thankfully, after going through this so called "failure", I see that God still had another plan for me in Albania. It was difficult at first as I had to reevaluate what He was asking me to do. After a few months of going to church and only helping with music and printed media, I was given the opportunity to do some volunteer work teaching children English. This has been fun and it was a GREAT way to learn the Albanian language better.
This week we have decided to begin working on taking our church worship team to a new level. This means that we have extended our weekly practices to include time just for prayer for the team and the worship in the church and added an hour to our Sunday morning practice. I am excited and so ready to see God take our worship to the next level!
Recently, (within the past month) I have been helping a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) couple who work with the Roma gypsies. I go into the gypsy community 3 days a week and I am teaching 3 girls aged 10-12 who are either really behind in schooling or else who have never been to school because of physical disability. I have found that this work has been more rewarding than anything I have ever done. I hope to continue with it in many ways. I hope (of course) to successfully teach reading, writing and basic schooling. However, more than that I hope to teach these girls how to have HOPE.
You see, the Roma gypsies, at least the ones here in Elbasan, have a culture very, very different than even the Albanians. They live in a community separated from the rest of the city, just at the edge of town. They are often times known in town as thieves and generally bad people. This means that even these little 10-12 year old girls will face severe racism on a daily basis. As if that wasn't enough, the Roma gypsy children often face arranged marriages from very early ages. It is very possible that if one of the girls I work with starts her period (remember these girls are ages 10-12) then she will be married off to the first boy that the family can come to an agreement on.
It is a very sad culture, and I hope to be able to find a way to give these kids hope in their future. Even if they face early marriage (which we pray they don't) my desire is that they would have hope enough built inside of them to try to make a better life, even if it is just by getting a job because now they know how to read and write.
If you want to know more about the Roma gypsy ministry that YWAM has in Elbasan, Albania, check out this website www.huntefamily.webs.com .
In the work that God has given me since my plan fell apart, I have realized that He is asking me to work with young people still. My vision here in Albania is to help children and youth come closer to Jesus and find hope and vision in Him, through any venue possible. If you choose to support me, that's what you would support.
As for the financial part of this update, I can tell you that I need $500 a month to get by. This cover all expenses such as cost of living, ministry materials (such as school materials and snacks), an annual or bi-annual trip back to Texas to see family and to keep contact with the churches there, and any excess would be saved for future projects. At this point in time, I am receiving $150 to $200 a month. This is enough to cover basic cost of living and possibly some photocopying for school work. The past two months have been more challenging as I have seen my main source of finances (monthly payments from a car I sold before I left) come to an end.
At this point in time I ask you, my friends and family, to prayerfully consider how you can help. If it is only through prayer, then we all know that God honors those prayers and I appreciate the time dedicated to the ministry here in Albania. If it is only $10 or $20 a month, PLEASE know that this helps more than you can understand. It is not expensive to live in Albania, and I believe many things can be done with just a little finance.
All in all, I know that God is watching out for me because He is the one Who sent me here. Even though I have certainly been financially (and otherwise) stretched at times, I can honestly say that I have never once gone without. I know He has His hand all over this.
Thanks for reading. Below I have posted a picture of Suada (pronounced Swada). She is one of the girls I teach in the Roma community. She is deaf and has never been to school, as far as I know. I love communicating with her because, even though it is very challenging at times, it is SO rewarding to see her grasp new concepts. She is a very intelligent girl.
I know without a doubt that God's plan for me in this time is Albania. If you don't believe me, then let me tell you how much He has changed me just in this last year. I have never been in a place where I felt like I was on the operating table for open-heart surgery more often than I am right now. That sounds like a terrible thing and, although it can be very uncomfortable at times, I am sure that in every situation God has taught me something new. He uses every day of my life to teach me how to be closer to Him. Sometimes, I feel like part of the reason He brought me here was to work on ME. Put that in your 5 fold ministry pipe and smoke it. It is a hard thing to accept that Missionaries, evangelists, pastors, preachers and teachers might need God in their life in the same way as the people they teach. However, one of the things I have learned is that God cannot minister THROUGH me until He has ministered TO me. And that will be a never ending process. Thankfully He is taking me one step at a time, higher in the things of His Kingdom, and teaching me little by little (through my own experiences in life) how to reach out to others in all circumstances.
Now, that being said, I want to take a moment to give you a bit of a ministry and financial update. First of all I will answer the EVER so asked question (often with a hint of criticism behind it): So, Julie, what DO you do in Albania?
The answer I want to give is this: "I lay around at the beach all day sipping Pina Coloadas and trying to find out exactly what angle of sunlight gives the most effective tan." However, since this is my sarcastic side and not AT ALL the Godly OR correct answer, I often try to refrain from teasing people with this sentence.
Ok, Ok, now that I got that out of the way, the real answer goes something like this:
It has not been easy coming to Albania with a plan to start a youth group, only to see that fall to bits and pieces for various reasons. When this happens, you feel as if you have given up your WHOLE life, moved across the world, trying to bring positive change in people's lives, and failed miserably. There isn't much worse of a feeling/emptiness. However, from what I have heard from other long term missionaries, my circumstance is not at all unusual, and in fact it has happened to many of them for various reasons. Sometimes, the plan you have when you come into long term missions doesn't work simply because when you live in one culture and build a plan for another, it rarely works out exactly how you planned it. Long term missionaries often times do not know from the beginning how culture differences can really effect communications and various other things causing what seems like an all together melt down.
Thankfully, after going through this so called "failure", I see that God still had another plan for me in Albania. It was difficult at first as I had to reevaluate what He was asking me to do. After a few months of going to church and only helping with music and printed media, I was given the opportunity to do some volunteer work teaching children English. This has been fun and it was a GREAT way to learn the Albanian language better.
This week we have decided to begin working on taking our church worship team to a new level. This means that we have extended our weekly practices to include time just for prayer for the team and the worship in the church and added an hour to our Sunday morning practice. I am excited and so ready to see God take our worship to the next level!
Recently, (within the past month) I have been helping a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) couple who work with the Roma gypsies. I go into the gypsy community 3 days a week and I am teaching 3 girls aged 10-12 who are either really behind in schooling or else who have never been to school because of physical disability. I have found that this work has been more rewarding than anything I have ever done. I hope to continue with it in many ways. I hope (of course) to successfully teach reading, writing and basic schooling. However, more than that I hope to teach these girls how to have HOPE.
You see, the Roma gypsies, at least the ones here in Elbasan, have a culture very, very different than even the Albanians. They live in a community separated from the rest of the city, just at the edge of town. They are often times known in town as thieves and generally bad people. This means that even these little 10-12 year old girls will face severe racism on a daily basis. As if that wasn't enough, the Roma gypsy children often face arranged marriages from very early ages. It is very possible that if one of the girls I work with starts her period (remember these girls are ages 10-12) then she will be married off to the first boy that the family can come to an agreement on.
It is a very sad culture, and I hope to be able to find a way to give these kids hope in their future. Even if they face early marriage (which we pray they don't) my desire is that they would have hope enough built inside of them to try to make a better life, even if it is just by getting a job because now they know how to read and write.
If you want to know more about the Roma gypsy ministry that YWAM has in Elbasan, Albania, check out this website www.huntefamily.webs.com .
In the work that God has given me since my plan fell apart, I have realized that He is asking me to work with young people still. My vision here in Albania is to help children and youth come closer to Jesus and find hope and vision in Him, through any venue possible. If you choose to support me, that's what you would support.
As for the financial part of this update, I can tell you that I need $500 a month to get by. This cover all expenses such as cost of living, ministry materials (such as school materials and snacks), an annual or bi-annual trip back to Texas to see family and to keep contact with the churches there, and any excess would be saved for future projects. At this point in time, I am receiving $150 to $200 a month. This is enough to cover basic cost of living and possibly some photocopying for school work. The past two months have been more challenging as I have seen my main source of finances (monthly payments from a car I sold before I left) come to an end.
At this point in time I ask you, my friends and family, to prayerfully consider how you can help. If it is only through prayer, then we all know that God honors those prayers and I appreciate the time dedicated to the ministry here in Albania. If it is only $10 or $20 a month, PLEASE know that this helps more than you can understand. It is not expensive to live in Albania, and I believe many things can be done with just a little finance.
All in all, I know that God is watching out for me because He is the one Who sent me here. Even though I have certainly been financially (and otherwise) stretched at times, I can honestly say that I have never once gone without. I know He has His hand all over this.
Thanks for reading. Below I have posted a picture of Suada (pronounced Swada). She is one of the girls I teach in the Roma community. She is deaf and has never been to school, as far as I know. I love communicating with her because, even though it is very challenging at times, it is SO rewarding to see her grasp new concepts. She is a very intelligent girl.
Monday, March 5, 2012
March 5, 2012
This month I will celebrate one year of living in Albania. It has been the most random, unpredictable, up-and-down year I could have ever imagined. There have been things/people/moments I have absolutely loved and flourished in, and there have been difficult moments as well. All in a good years work for me and my God. Here are a few photos of Elbasan:
Originally, I came to Albania with the intention of starting a youth group in a particular church over three months time. My plan was to raise up two of the youth to lead after I left. In reality, this plan never even really got off the ground. Interest was little, and I am still not sure exactly why everything happened the way it did, other than God had a different plan than all of us. So, after three months of trudging and trying (all in our own power) the youth group idea was given up, and I began to seek God's face about how to continue.
In the end, I felt God leading me to get involved in a church that is a little closer to where I live here in Albania, and so I made that very difficult move in July or August of 2011. Even though the move was a separation from the people I have always worked with here in Albania, I knew from the beginning God's hand was all over it. This new church quickly became like family to me, and I began to get plugged in there, playing the drums and doing media/graphic/video design for them. Here is some of the work I have done for the church so far:
Another venture I have taken on is teaching. When school began this fall I began teaching English in a Preschool here in town. It was a challenge for me, because I have no training at all as a teacher, and most of the kids knew no English at all. After a few weeks of teaching English, I was offered a volunteer position doing the same thing at another Preschool in town. So, I quickly got over my fears and learned how to teach! It has been a fun experience, working with the children of both of these schools. I find many of them to be very very bright for their age.
At this point in time I am only teaching English at Home of Hope preschool. The Church of the Resurrection preschool has gone through a staff change and I am awaiting the opportunity to discuss with the new teacher how we may continue with English classes.
Now as my first year comes to close, I can honestly look around and see what God is doing. There are many opportunities, right at the fingertips of those who are called to work for Him here. I am currently praying over three situations, one of which will involve working with street children inside a program that the church is looking to start, one will involve teaching English to some university students and one will involve teaching disabled or underprivileged children within a church in the Roma gypsy community. My hope with all these ventures is that God will be glorified in Elbasan, whether that is because the children have been shown a Love they haven't known before, or if it is because a student starts coming to church because of the relationship they made with their English teacher. Pray for a great awakening in Elbasan. Pray that the first generation Christians can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding it takes to raise strong families.
Living in Albania is wonderful to me, because it is what God has called me to do. It is a very different, very difficult lifestyle full of hard work. That being said, I have never found a place where I feel more at home. God's grace is sufficient for every situation, and I believe He equips us to do the work He gives us to do.
I think the question I have been asked most frequently by family and friends is, "When are you coming home??". I will answer that as honestly as I can right now. I do not know. God has called me here for such a time as this, and when He sees fit, I am sure He will provide the time off and whatever else is needed for me to make a visit home. Until then, know that I do love you all and your support over the past 12 months has meant a lot to me. Working together, I am sure we can keep bringing Jesus to Elbasan.
As for YOU, if you want to come visit, feel free! I am open to having visitors of all types. If you want to come take a European vacation and see where I live and what I am doing, that is awesome. If you want to send your youth on a missions trip and shake their world up a little bit, I am open to that as well. Just contact me for all the details. In 2011 I was blessed to have two visitors:
Spring and summer are a great time to plan trips like this. Here are a few photos of my house in Albania:
The bottom line is, you KNOW you want to come visit me!!! Even if you don't, you can always show your support through prayer and finance. I am blessed to have numerous people praying for me and this call of God. Although life has been tough in many areas at times, I will testify to His perfect plan and His faithfulness by saying that I have not had one day where I went without basic necessities.
Through the ups and downs, this has been a radical journey over the past year. I have struggled to adapt, but clung to Him. When all else fails, I can rely on this: I am still the Julie HE created me to be. No one else had a say in it, and He made me who I am for a reason. For those of you back home, I am still the same old me, just with some upgrades in my walk with God. Here I am over the past year:
I love that relationships are highly valued here
Originally, I came to Albania with the intention of starting a youth group in a particular church over three months time. My plan was to raise up two of the youth to lead after I left. In reality, this plan never even really got off the ground. Interest was little, and I am still not sure exactly why everything happened the way it did, other than God had a different plan than all of us. So, after three months of trudging and trying (all in our own power) the youth group idea was given up, and I began to seek God's face about how to continue.
In the end, I felt God leading me to get involved in a church that is a little closer to where I live here in Albania, and so I made that very difficult move in July or August of 2011. Even though the move was a separation from the people I have always worked with here in Albania, I knew from the beginning God's hand was all over it. This new church quickly became like family to me, and I began to get plugged in there, playing the drums and doing media/graphic/video design for them. Here is some of the work I have done for the church so far:
A bookmark for all the ladies on Valentine's day. 1 Corinthians 13
Above is an invitation to an outreach. The church hosted couples to see the movie "Fireproof", complete with Albanian subtitles.
March 8th is Woman's Day in Albania. We will celebrate the ladies in our church on March 9th. Above is the invitation.
My roommate Kerri Nixon, boldly leads the youth and young adults group in the church, instilling a fire for God and firm foundations of discipleship in their lives. Above is the youth/young adult schedule of events for February and March.
Another venture I have taken on is teaching. When school began this fall I began teaching English in a Preschool here in town. It was a challenge for me, because I have no training at all as a teacher, and most of the kids knew no English at all. After a few weeks of teaching English, I was offered a volunteer position doing the same thing at another Preschool in town. So, I quickly got over my fears and learned how to teach! It has been a fun experience, working with the children of both of these schools. I find many of them to be very very bright for their age.
Home of Hope Preschool
Church of the Resurrection Preschool
At this point in time I am only teaching English at Home of Hope preschool. The Church of the Resurrection preschool has gone through a staff change and I am awaiting the opportunity to discuss with the new teacher how we may continue with English classes.
Now as my first year comes to close, I can honestly look around and see what God is doing. There are many opportunities, right at the fingertips of those who are called to work for Him here. I am currently praying over three situations, one of which will involve working with street children inside a program that the church is looking to start, one will involve teaching English to some university students and one will involve teaching disabled or underprivileged children within a church in the Roma gypsy community. My hope with all these ventures is that God will be glorified in Elbasan, whether that is because the children have been shown a Love they haven't known before, or if it is because a student starts coming to church because of the relationship they made with their English teacher. Pray for a great awakening in Elbasan. Pray that the first generation Christians can be equipped with the knowledge and understanding it takes to raise strong families.
Pray for our street boys along with some of our underprivileged young boys
Clement and Fiona Hunte are pastors in the Roma gypsy community here in Elbasan, Albania.
Living in Albania is wonderful to me, because it is what God has called me to do. It is a very different, very difficult lifestyle full of hard work. That being said, I have never found a place where I feel more at home. God's grace is sufficient for every situation, and I believe He equips us to do the work He gives us to do.
I think the question I have been asked most frequently by family and friends is, "When are you coming home??". I will answer that as honestly as I can right now. I do not know. God has called me here for such a time as this, and when He sees fit, I am sure He will provide the time off and whatever else is needed for me to make a visit home. Until then, know that I do love you all and your support over the past 12 months has meant a lot to me. Working together, I am sure we can keep bringing Jesus to Elbasan.
As for YOU, if you want to come visit, feel free! I am open to having visitors of all types. If you want to come take a European vacation and see where I live and what I am doing, that is awesome. If you want to send your youth on a missions trip and shake their world up a little bit, I am open to that as well. Just contact me for all the details. In 2011 I was blessed to have two visitors:
Lindita (above) is an Albanian who has emigrated to the States. She came to spend a week at the beach with us in the city of Vlorë and then went on to visit her family in the city of Korçë.
Amy (above) came to visit and spend a week in Vlorë with us. After that she spent a week in Elbasan seeing the work that goes on at the Church of the Resurrection and spending time with me at my house.
Spring and summer are a great time to plan trips like this. Here are a few photos of my house in Albania:
I share a one bedroom apartment (with my roomie, Kerri) in the bottom floor of a private house
Thank God for western bathrooms! Most places in Albania will have them now.
Our living room, although it doesn't look like this anymore since we painted!
The bottom line is, you KNOW you want to come visit me!!! Even if you don't, you can always show your support through prayer and finance. I am blessed to have numerous people praying for me and this call of God. Although life has been tough in many areas at times, I will testify to His perfect plan and His faithfulness by saying that I have not had one day where I went without basic necessities.
Through the ups and downs, this has been a radical journey over the past year. I have struggled to adapt, but clung to Him. When all else fails, I can rely on this: I am still the Julie HE created me to be. No one else had a say in it, and He made me who I am for a reason. For those of you back home, I am still the same old me, just with some upgrades in my walk with God. Here I am over the past year:
Thursday, February 9, 2012
February 9, 2012
I want to bring up a topic that is considered a "civil rights" movement of sorts in the USA, but that has Christians and Christianity questioning their stance and that has an entire nation divided to the point of fighting like children. It is a topic that I have wrestled over for many, many years as to how exactly I will choose to view it: right or wrong. This topic is homosexuality.
Let me clarify, I have not personally struggled with this. Give me a Josh Lucas or Matthew McConaughey any day, but I do have friends from work and school who are gay, but who are still my friends. This is why I have struggled to find solid ground to stand on regarding what I believe. However, since moving to Albania, I have had opportunity to go deeper in the things of God and grow spiritually as I never have before. I have found the true FREEDOM that Christ offers in every area of life, and this is why I can clearly say where I stand now. So this goes out as a letter to all my homosexual friends and to anyone who may end up reading it:
Dear Beloved Child of God,
I know life hasn't been easy for you. In fact, it has probably been incredibly hard. The truth is statistically speaking, you life has probably involved being abused in one way or another. If not, something in you has given into perversion for any number of reasons. Many people today struggle with life and how hard it can be. We work so hard to be good people who seem to have stability in our social world, and yet we find that at times life can be severely unjust.
It is true. The car accident that took your little brother didn't care if he was a good person or not. The man who walked into your high school/church/walmart/wherever didn't care if he was killing good people or not. The guy who raped your sister as a kid didn't care how good of a person she was. The person you call dad who beat you till you couldn't see straight didn't care if you had been good that day. Life can be unjust and often times this causes us to ask questions. Some of us will ask things like "Why serve a God Who can let bad things happen to good people." What we are really asking is "How can all my hard work be washed away with this one tragedy?". Some of us will come up with answers on our own, such as believing there is no God, and if there is, you are certainly not on His radar.
The truth is that this is not about God, it is about us. It always has been. I will serve a God that I think is convenient for me and my lifestyle. I will look to God when I am in trouble. I go to church sometimes. I am a good person. I don't believe in God, therefore He must not exist.
My friend, if this is the last thing I ever say to you, I hope that you hear it as more important than anything else. The problem is us. We crave a freedom that we cannot reach. We long to taste it, but in reality we question its existence. We reach to the Heavens above when we need help, but we do it in a mocking way when our lives show, every other day, our disbelief. The problem is sin. The problem is not that God "allows" bad things to happen to good people, but that mankind chooses day after day after day after day to sin against God and people. It just so happens that one or two of those times affected your life. It is a difficult thing to believe, but the fact of the matter is, you are not alone.
The truth is that many people have struggled through what you are struggling through right now. You may not want to believe that, or maybe you find it hard to comprehend, but it is true. Many people in the world today have lived tortured lives. They have been sinned against in the worst ways and by the people they trusted the most. So how do we move on from these things? Is there a way to really move past these devastating hurts in our lives? I believe there is. Let me tell you about it.
I am going to be very honest with you. I myself have struggled with many things. We all have our battles. Many people, like I said before, have been sinned against by another person in their lifetime. I struggled with sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation. It never ceases to amaze me that people will answer this with the question/statement, "But... you're a girl...". The truth is that these types of addictions find everyone at one point or another until they experience true freedom. So, how do you find this freedom?
The first step for me was to begin to see my life in a different way. I had to begin to realize that God loved me just the way I was and that instead of being angry with me, He wanted me to see how much better my life could be. I was challenged to live life differently for 40 days and I did just that. I put myself in God's hands, completely, for 40 days, and I was able to see things so differently. I saw that He loves me in ways I cannot begin to describe. I saw that my sexual desires were driving almost everything I did, which really surprised me because I thought I was in control. I saw that I COULD live differently, which I had not thought was possible AT ALL. I just figured everyone was doing it, so how could God judge us?
The amazing fact behind all of this is that it is possible to live in a new kind of freedom. Now, not only have I been freed from all the things that kept me tied down, but I am also free to see myself as a person of extreme value and worth in God's eyes. I no longer settle for any guy who is even the slightest bit interested in me. I no longer look at men with the intention of figuring out if they are date-able or not. I no longer look at marriage as something where I will have to settle for whoever offers. I no longer hate myself...
Now that's where it is all at... isn't it?
Don't we all do it? Everyone hates themselves, don't they? I mean, we put on a face for the world, co workers, whomever, but in the end it comes down to how the voice inside our head treats us from day to day. We mustn't allow the scars of our past to become the thorns of our future. Yes, we live in a world of people who constantly sin against one another, thereby hurting each other in deep ways. No, the person or people who sinned against you at any point in time were NOT right, and I am not condoning anything they did. They were wrong in hurting you. The fact is, however, that a little bit of you thinks that they were right.
This is the dark secret we have kept hidden away for so long. Ya, my Uncle So and So sexually abused me as a kid, and he said he chose me because I am weak. The fact is that a little part of you that you hide away from the rest of the world believes what that Uncle said. Even more so, a part of you has learned to believe that you deserved what happened to you.
The world screams at the top of their lungs that we should not treat you as a lesser being, but the very truth of the matter, the exact fact, is that you yourself BELIEVE that you are less of a person. You haven't ever told anyone that, but it echoes away in your head day after day after day after day. Your mind screams at you when you lay your head down on the pillow at night. You can't sleep because your mind won't let you, right? Look at it this way: You also don't LIVE because your mind won't let you.
We all build walls to safeguard ourselves from ever being hurt again. We turn these walls into habits and over time these habits just become "who we are" and we train our friends, family and coworkers to believe the lie, thereby setting up our life to continue on the very path it was on in that singular moment we were hurt. You build up the walls to keep new hurt out, but in reality the very walls you built to protect yourself are the very walls that keep the old hurt IN.
Its time you stood up and began to smash the walls down. They won't come down easily or alone. There will be PLENTY of tears and you will need people around you who you can confide in and lean on. However, once you begin to break down these walls, you will begin to overpower and overcome the things that people have done to hurt you. You will overcome the hurt and you will come into the truth. God's truth. After all, Who knows you better than the One Who created you?
God does not want to see you suffer, but He designed this world in a way that it must operate on man's free will. What does that mean? It means that when you are busy asking Him why He let things happen in your life, He is busy yelling and screaming and gesturing for you to come to Him, to run to His arms for comfort, but His best efforts cannot be heard over your walls. All the while He keeps trying, and His heart truly breaks time and time again as He watches you deny Him and walk away holding your hurt in your own arms.
All He is here to offer you is freedom, but what more do you need? For real, ask yourself: What more do I need than freedom in every area of life? If I was truly free in all areas, would I really need anything else? If you come up with the answer I did, you will begin to seek His face.
I have to tell you that this comes from the deepest parts of my being. Many of the things I shared in this blog, I have never shared with anyone besides my accountability person and God. For those of you who have only known me as a "good person", do not be shocked at the terrible, awful things I have done. Instead be shocked at how BIG my God is that He can change me and renew my purity and my belief in purity. Stand in awe before the God Whom many of you call your God, and ask Him what He has for you. Dare to stand for purity.
Thanks for reading,
Julie
Let me clarify, I have not personally struggled with this. Give me a Josh Lucas or Matthew McConaughey any day, but I do have friends from work and school who are gay, but who are still my friends. This is why I have struggled to find solid ground to stand on regarding what I believe. However, since moving to Albania, I have had opportunity to go deeper in the things of God and grow spiritually as I never have before. I have found the true FREEDOM that Christ offers in every area of life, and this is why I can clearly say where I stand now. So this goes out as a letter to all my homosexual friends and to anyone who may end up reading it:
Dear Beloved Child of God,
I know life hasn't been easy for you. In fact, it has probably been incredibly hard. The truth is statistically speaking, you life has probably involved being abused in one way or another. If not, something in you has given into perversion for any number of reasons. Many people today struggle with life and how hard it can be. We work so hard to be good people who seem to have stability in our social world, and yet we find that at times life can be severely unjust.
It is true. The car accident that took your little brother didn't care if he was a good person or not. The man who walked into your high school/church/walmart/wherever didn't care if he was killing good people or not. The guy who raped your sister as a kid didn't care how good of a person she was. The person you call dad who beat you till you couldn't see straight didn't care if you had been good that day. Life can be unjust and often times this causes us to ask questions. Some of us will ask things like "Why serve a God Who can let bad things happen to good people." What we are really asking is "How can all my hard work be washed away with this one tragedy?". Some of us will come up with answers on our own, such as believing there is no God, and if there is, you are certainly not on His radar.
The truth is that this is not about God, it is about us. It always has been. I will serve a God that I think is convenient for me and my lifestyle. I will look to God when I am in trouble. I go to church sometimes. I am a good person. I don't believe in God, therefore He must not exist.
My friend, if this is the last thing I ever say to you, I hope that you hear it as more important than anything else. The problem is us. We crave a freedom that we cannot reach. We long to taste it, but in reality we question its existence. We reach to the Heavens above when we need help, but we do it in a mocking way when our lives show, every other day, our disbelief. The problem is sin. The problem is not that God "allows" bad things to happen to good people, but that mankind chooses day after day after day after day to sin against God and people. It just so happens that one or two of those times affected your life. It is a difficult thing to believe, but the fact of the matter is, you are not alone.
The truth is that many people have struggled through what you are struggling through right now. You may not want to believe that, or maybe you find it hard to comprehend, but it is true. Many people in the world today have lived tortured lives. They have been sinned against in the worst ways and by the people they trusted the most. So how do we move on from these things? Is there a way to really move past these devastating hurts in our lives? I believe there is. Let me tell you about it.
I am going to be very honest with you. I myself have struggled with many things. We all have our battles. Many people, like I said before, have been sinned against by another person in their lifetime. I struggled with sexual addictions like pornography and masturbation. It never ceases to amaze me that people will answer this with the question/statement, "But... you're a girl...". The truth is that these types of addictions find everyone at one point or another until they experience true freedom. So, how do you find this freedom?
The first step for me was to begin to see my life in a different way. I had to begin to realize that God loved me just the way I was and that instead of being angry with me, He wanted me to see how much better my life could be. I was challenged to live life differently for 40 days and I did just that. I put myself in God's hands, completely, for 40 days, and I was able to see things so differently. I saw that He loves me in ways I cannot begin to describe. I saw that my sexual desires were driving almost everything I did, which really surprised me because I thought I was in control. I saw that I COULD live differently, which I had not thought was possible AT ALL. I just figured everyone was doing it, so how could God judge us?
The amazing fact behind all of this is that it is possible to live in a new kind of freedom. Now, not only have I been freed from all the things that kept me tied down, but I am also free to see myself as a person of extreme value and worth in God's eyes. I no longer settle for any guy who is even the slightest bit interested in me. I no longer look at men with the intention of figuring out if they are date-able or not. I no longer look at marriage as something where I will have to settle for whoever offers. I no longer hate myself...
Now that's where it is all at... isn't it?
Don't we all do it? Everyone hates themselves, don't they? I mean, we put on a face for the world, co workers, whomever, but in the end it comes down to how the voice inside our head treats us from day to day. We mustn't allow the scars of our past to become the thorns of our future. Yes, we live in a world of people who constantly sin against one another, thereby hurting each other in deep ways. No, the person or people who sinned against you at any point in time were NOT right, and I am not condoning anything they did. They were wrong in hurting you. The fact is, however, that a little bit of you thinks that they were right.
This is the dark secret we have kept hidden away for so long. Ya, my Uncle So and So sexually abused me as a kid, and he said he chose me because I am weak. The fact is that a little part of you that you hide away from the rest of the world believes what that Uncle said. Even more so, a part of you has learned to believe that you deserved what happened to you.
The world screams at the top of their lungs that we should not treat you as a lesser being, but the very truth of the matter, the exact fact, is that you yourself BELIEVE that you are less of a person. You haven't ever told anyone that, but it echoes away in your head day after day after day after day. Your mind screams at you when you lay your head down on the pillow at night. You can't sleep because your mind won't let you, right? Look at it this way: You also don't LIVE because your mind won't let you.
We all build walls to safeguard ourselves from ever being hurt again. We turn these walls into habits and over time these habits just become "who we are" and we train our friends, family and coworkers to believe the lie, thereby setting up our life to continue on the very path it was on in that singular moment we were hurt. You build up the walls to keep new hurt out, but in reality the very walls you built to protect yourself are the very walls that keep the old hurt IN.
Its time you stood up and began to smash the walls down. They won't come down easily or alone. There will be PLENTY of tears and you will need people around you who you can confide in and lean on. However, once you begin to break down these walls, you will begin to overpower and overcome the things that people have done to hurt you. You will overcome the hurt and you will come into the truth. God's truth. After all, Who knows you better than the One Who created you?
God does not want to see you suffer, but He designed this world in a way that it must operate on man's free will. What does that mean? It means that when you are busy asking Him why He let things happen in your life, He is busy yelling and screaming and gesturing for you to come to Him, to run to His arms for comfort, but His best efforts cannot be heard over your walls. All the while He keeps trying, and His heart truly breaks time and time again as He watches you deny Him and walk away holding your hurt in your own arms.
All He is here to offer you is freedom, but what more do you need? For real, ask yourself: What more do I need than freedom in every area of life? If I was truly free in all areas, would I really need anything else? If you come up with the answer I did, you will begin to seek His face.
I have to tell you that this comes from the deepest parts of my being. Many of the things I shared in this blog, I have never shared with anyone besides my accountability person and God. For those of you who have only known me as a "good person", do not be shocked at the terrible, awful things I have done. Instead be shocked at how BIG my God is that He can change me and renew my purity and my belief in purity. Stand in awe before the God Whom many of you call your God, and ask Him what He has for you. Dare to stand for purity.
Thanks for reading,
Julie
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